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One-Line Movie Review Club **May contain spoilers!**

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plodocus
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« on: August 02, 2011, 23:08:51 »

OK I will start:

Chronicles of Narnia:

Four children visit an imaginary land filled with feuding yet somewhat dull paedophiles

...



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« Reply #1 on: August 02, 2011, 23:18:08 »

OK I will start:

Chronicles of Noodle:

Four paedophiles visit an imaginary land filled with feuding yet somewhat dull children
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« Reply #2 on: August 02, 2011, 23:28:29 »

captain america - pee wee takes steroids, becomes super badass and leads the fight against a strawberry flavoured condom head thus winning ww2.
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« Reply #3 on: August 02, 2011, 23:40:41 »

The Green Mile

6' 6" simpleton touches another mans groin and gets executed.

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« Reply #4 on: August 03, 2011, 00:53:50 »

Harry Potter

The bad guy is probably the good guy, and the good guy is generally the bad guy. (apart from the main characters, generally)

 Two Thumbs
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« Reply #5 on: August 03, 2011, 07:41:13 »

King Kong

Monkey falls in love with woman
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« Reply #6 on: August 03, 2011, 07:56:11 »

Rambo

Nonsensical action film with a higher bodycount than wordcount
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« Reply #7 on: August 03, 2011, 08:08:31 »

Rambo

Nonsensical action film with a higher bodycount than wordcount

Only one person dies. Accidentally at that.
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« Reply #8 on: August 03, 2011, 08:16:52 »

The Ninth Gate - Shit.
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« Reply #9 on: August 03, 2011, 08:18:01 »

High School Musical:

Poignant 90-minute visual argument for the right to abortion.
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« Reply #10 on: August 03, 2011, 08:22:04 »

The People Under The Stairs

A detailed account about the life and times of Joseph Fritzl.
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« Reply #11 on: August 03, 2011, 08:27:14 »

Rambo

Nonsensical action film with a higher bodycount than wordcount

Only one person dies. Accidentally at that.

236 people die, you are thinking of Rambo, First Blood  Grin
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« Reply #12 on: August 03, 2011, 08:27:46 »

Wings of the Apache

Top Gun with helicopters
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« Reply #13 on: August 03, 2011, 08:54:12 »

Labyrinth

Paedo lures young girl into fantasy lair
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« Reply #14 on: August 03, 2011, 08:57:10 »

Commando -

Best film ever.

Could also just put this -

Rambo Commando -
Nonsensical action film with a higher bodycount than wordcount
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« Reply #15 on: August 03, 2011, 08:57:57 »

The Matrix

Flimsy Christian metaphor sodden with hair gel
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« Reply #16 on: August 03, 2011, 08:59:55 »

watership down


some rabbits move house
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« Reply #17 on: August 03, 2011, 09:07:49 »

watership down


some rabbits move house

This is the best one so far  Laugh
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« Reply #18 on: August 03, 2011, 10:47:41 »

Can we have a rating too please;

Back to the future
Boy goes back in time and convinces his dad to punch the school bully in the face.

9/10
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« Reply #19 on: August 03, 2011, 10:49:33 »

watership down


some rabbits move house

 Laugh Laugh Laugh
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« Reply #20 on: August 03, 2011, 11:05:05 »

Transformers (all of them)
Somebody does something pointless and robots punch each other
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« Reply #21 on: August 03, 2011, 11:09:39 »

I can't take credit for this one, but it's good anyway...

Basic Instinct
Bill's quick capsule review: piece of shit.
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« Reply #22 on: August 03, 2011, 11:35:05 »

Snakes on a plane:

Snakes, on a plane
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« Reply #23 on: August 03, 2011, 11:41:22 »

Forrest Gump.

Chocolate fan goes for a brisk jog.
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« Reply #24 on: August 03, 2011, 11:50:46 »

Tree of Life - Two boys play in a garden, while dad is shouty and mum is nice, in style of 1980s perfume Advert for nearly THREE HOURS.
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« Reply #25 on: August 03, 2011, 11:51:01 »

Forrest Gump.

Chocolate fan goes for a brisk jog.

 Two Thumbs Laughing
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« Reply #26 on: August 03, 2011, 11:55:08 »

Blade Trinity

Shit 2hr Apple advert with vampires
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« Reply #27 on: August 03, 2011, 11:58:11 »

Can we have a rating too please;

Back to the future
Boy goes back in time and convinces his dad to punch the school bully in the face, then gets with his mum.

9/10

Fixed
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« Reply #28 on: August 03, 2011, 12:14:43 »

The Matrix

Flimsy Christian metaphor sodden with hair gel
and fetish gear.
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« Reply #29 on: August 03, 2011, 12:16:05 »

Boys in Tha Hood: Black kid gets shot, but white people are to blame.
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« Reply #30 on: August 03, 2011, 12:21:43 »

OK

I am clearly no good at this; all of my efforts thus far have been 'Fixed'  Laugh


2001: A Space Odyssey: A ludicrously overrated snoozefest lacking any subtext whatsoever



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« Reply #31 on: August 03, 2011, 12:24:02 »

Tron Legacy - A very long Daft Punk music video

Quote
2001: A Space Odyssey: A ludicrously overrated snoozefest lacking any subtext whatsoever
 

Tut Tut

2001: A Space Odyssey - A beautiful dream of Transendence  Two Thumbs

Black Dynamite -  Pimp
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« Reply #32 on: August 03, 2011, 12:25:14 »

Full Metal Jacket: happy go lucky men become souless killing machines. Along the way the fat one commits suicide.
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« Reply #33 on: August 03, 2011, 12:27:58 »

Shawshank Redemption: two men flirt and bat eyelids at each other for 3 decades of prison time, one breaks free, the other is paroled, ending in a massive bumming on a beach in Mexico.
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« Reply #34 on: August 03, 2011, 12:29:18 »

The Fall

Visually arresting but ultimately pretentious drivel starring a chubby Hispanic girl that speaks retarded unitentionally.
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« Reply #35 on: August 03, 2011, 12:35:12 »

Can we have more funny, less ranting opinion please.


The Usual Suspects -

Proof the handicapped can't be trusted.
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« Reply #36 on: August 03, 2011, 12:36:26 »

OK

I am clearly no good at this; all of my efforts thus far have been 'Fixed'  Laugh


2001: A Space Odyssey: A ludicrously overrated snoozefest lacking any subtext whatsoever





No, this is more your subjective opinion rather than a brief summary of what actually happens.
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« Reply #37 on: August 03, 2011, 12:37:01 »

OK

I am clearly no good at this; all of my efforts thus far have been 'Fixed'  Laugh


2001: A Space Odyssey: A ludicrously overrated snoozefest lacking any subtext whatsoever





No, this is more your subjective opinion rather than a brief summary of what actually happens.

err.. that's what a review is
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« Reply #38 on: August 03, 2011, 12:38:50 »

Brokeback mountain: two queers get what they deserve
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« Reply #39 on: August 03, 2011, 12:43:18 »

speaks retarded unitentionally.

 Bad Teeth
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« Reply #40 on: August 03, 2011, 12:44:34 »

OK

I am clearly no good at this; all of my efforts thus far have been 'Fixed'  Laugh


2001: A Space Odyssey: A ludicrously overrated snoozefest lacking any subtext whatsoever





No, this is more your subjective opinion rather than a brief summary of what actually happens.

err.. that's what a review is

Yeah OK, but what we are really doing here is a synopsis, rather than a review

Bill's original SATC post was a synopsis, not his opinion of the film
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« Reply #41 on: August 03, 2011, 12:45:29 »

Schindlers List: Speilberg over embelishes and dramatises a questionable event.
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« Reply #42 on: August 03, 2011, 12:45:35 »

Titanic

A ship that cannot sink, sinks
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« Reply #43 on: August 03, 2011, 12:45:48 »

Boys in Tha Hood: Black kid gets shot, but white people are to blame.

Where's your sex and the city 2 1 line review?  Bad Teeth
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« Reply #44 on: August 03, 2011, 12:47:31 »

OK

I am clearly no good at this; all of my efforts thus far have been 'Fixed'  Laugh


2001: A Space Odyssey: A ludicrously overrated snoozefest lacking any subtext whatsoever





No, this is more your subjective opinion rather than a brief summary of what actually happens.

err.. that's what a review is

Yeah OK, but what we are really doing here is a synopsis, rather than a review

Bill's original SATC post was a synopsis, not his opinion of the film

Fine.
2001: A Space Odyssey: Spaceships and apes move in purportedly meaningful ways to a garish and overbearing soundtrack

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« Reply #45 on: August 03, 2011, 12:50:41 »

The Dark Knight

A hyperactive troublemaker in shit make-up runs amok while a millionaire vigilante with a penchant for bat fetishism attempts to track him down to give him a stern telling off.
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« Reply #46 on: August 03, 2011, 12:53:49 »

speaks retarded unitentionally.

 Bad Teeth

Yeah I thought it may have been the other way round when posting! Ha!
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« Reply #47 on: August 03, 2011, 12:56:04 »

Gremlins
little oriental creature turns into a black creature, spawns rapidly and tries to destroy white american smalltown society in this excruciatingly racist yet somehow 'cult' film
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« Reply #48 on: August 03, 2011, 12:56:47 »

OK

I am clearly no good at this; all of my efforts thus far have been 'Fixed'  Laugh


2001: A Space Odyssey: A ludicrously overrated snoozefest lacking any subtext whatsoever





No, this is more your subjective opinion rather than a brief summary of what actually happens.

err.. that's what a review is

Yeah OK, but what we are really doing here is a synopsis, rather than a review

Bill's original SATC post was a synopsis, not his opinion of the film
that's very true. In fact I'm surprised I managed to keep it free from personal opinion. I could blatantly do this for a living. Kermode as the straight laced reviewer and me as the concise and honest reviewer with a peppering of cynicism.
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« Reply #49 on: August 03, 2011, 12:57:57 »

I was going for the more Brooker-esque angle
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« Reply #50 on: August 03, 2011, 13:01:27 »

The Godfather

A caring son takes over the family business after his fat dad has a heart attack in the garden.
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« Reply #51 on: August 03, 2011, 13:03:21 »

A Streetcar Named Desire

Mouthy pisstaking cow gets abused by brother in law, bloke gets shown the door
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« Reply #52 on: August 03, 2011, 13:06:20 »

Why is gremlins racist?

Taken: U2 concerts should be avoided unless your Dad is a francophobic psychopath.
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« Reply #53 on: August 03, 2011, 13:07:49 »

There Will Be Blood

Oil magnate encounters jumped up little upstart who has his head stoved in after the magnate drinks his milkshake.
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« Reply #54 on: August 03, 2011, 13:09:27 »

Twilight

Vampires actually sparkle in the sunlight and enjoy a game of baseball
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« Reply #55 on: August 03, 2011, 13:12:18 »

Taken: U2 concerts should be avoided unless your Dad is a francophobic psychopath.

 Laugh
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« Reply #56 on: August 03, 2011, 13:12:37 »

Why is gremlins racist?

Taken: U2 concerts should be avoided unless your Dad is a francophobic psychopath.

Gremlins is hideously racist. I could write an essay on it. Essentially the bad gremlins become caricatured black people that will destroy white society with lewdness, immorality and so forth. But when he's Mogwai he's oriental and cute. The black guy gets killed first (although that's just standard practice in 80s Hollywood). If you ever watch it again try and see it from the angle I've described and see what you think
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« Reply #57 on: August 03, 2011, 13:17:38 »

Why is gremlins racist?

Taken: U2 concerts should be avoided unless your Dad is a francophobic psychopath.

Gremlins is hideously racist. I could write an essay on it. Essentially the bad gremlins become caricatured black people that will destroy white society with lewdness, immorality and so forth. But when he's Mogwai he's oriental and cute. The black guy gets killed first (although that's just standard practice in 80s Hollywood). If you ever watch it again try and see it from the angle I've described and see what you think

Gremlins are green though, with a white/yellow chest.

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« Reply #58 on: August 03, 2011, 13:17:50 »

Why is gremlins racist?

Taken: U2 concerts should be avoided unless your Dad is a francophobic psychopath.

Gremlins is hideously racist. I could write an essay on it. Essentially the bad gremlins become caricatured black people that will destroy white society with lewdness, immorality and so forth. But when he's Mogwai he's oriental and cute. The black guy gets killed first (although that's just standard practice in 80s Hollywood). If you ever watch it again try and see it from the angle I've described and see what you think

Not once have I viewed Gremlins in this way. Sucks to be you.
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« Reply #59 on: August 03, 2011, 13:20:51 »

lord of the rings - 12 fucking hours watching some midgets walk up a mountain.
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« Reply #60 on: August 03, 2011, 13:23:44 »

Why is gremlins racist?

Taken: U2 concerts should be avoided unless your Dad is a francophobic psychopath.

Gremlins is hideously racist. I could write an essay on it. Essentially the bad gremlins become caricatured black people that will destroy white society with lewdness, immorality and so forth. But when he's Mogwai he's oriental and cute. The black guy gets killed first (although that's just standard practice in 80s Hollywood). If you ever watch it again try and see it from the angle I've described and see what you think

Gremlins are green though, with a white/yellow chest.



Yes I know what colour they are. @ Cabalist... it doesn't, in any way

I'm quite surprised that the 'Jack doesn't seem to be aware of the inherent racism in America and it's films  Smashed not so much anymore, but 1930s - 90s were rife with it. I have a degree in film so I at least know a bit about it
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« Reply #61 on: August 03, 2011, 13:33:32 »


Yes I know what colour they are.

Then why does your post say this then?

Gremlins
little oriental creature turns into a black creature

I find it a ridiculous accusation that the film is made to degrade black people. The Wiki quotes:

Quote
In Ceramic Uncles & Celluloid Mammies, Patricia Turner writes that the gremlins "reflect negative African-American stereotypes" in their dress and behavior. They are shown "devouring fried chicken with their hands", listening to black music, breakdancing, and wearing sunglasses after dark and newsboy caps, a style common among African American males in the 1980s
I find her views racist, not the film.


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« Reply #62 on: August 03, 2011, 13:36:11 »

I have a degree in film so I at least know a bit about it

Come the zombie apocalypse we wont need people with 2:2s in film studies....
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« Reply #63 on: August 03, 2011, 13:40:57 »


Yes I know what colour they are.

Then why does your post say this then?

Gremlins
little oriental creature turns into a black creature

I find it a ridiculous accusation that the film is made to degrade black people. The Wiki quotes:

Quote
In Ceramic Uncles & Celluloid Mammies, Patricia Turner writes that the gremlins "reflect negative African-American stereotypes" in their dress and behavior. They are shown "devouring fried chicken with their hands", listening to black music, breakdancing, and wearing sunglasses after dark and newsboy caps, a style common among African American males in the 1980s
I find her views racist, not the film.




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« Reply #64 on: August 03, 2011, 13:59:18 »

Taken: U2 concerts should be avoided unless your Dad is a francophobic psychopath.
Or, Taken: 2 hours of neck chopping.
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« Reply #65 on: August 03, 2011, 14:03:01 »

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« Reply #66 on: August 03, 2011, 14:04:00 »

Star Wars

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« Reply #67 on: August 03, 2011, 14:13:20 »

Star Wars

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That's Empire Strikes Back.

Star Wars - Lonely gay farmboy gets abducted by old man, testosterone man, gay robot, bucket and carpet, rescues sister, avoids incestual relationship, old man dies, round thing blows up.
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« Reply #68 on: August 03, 2011, 14:16:53 »

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« Reply #69 on: August 03, 2011, 14:21:22 »

Days of Thunder

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« Reply #70 on: August 03, 2011, 14:25:04 »

Days of Thunder

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All the Right Moves

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« Reply #71 on: August 03, 2011, 14:58:29 »

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« Reply #72 on: August 03, 2011, 15:03:06 »

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« Reply #73 on: August 03, 2011, 15:04:36 »

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« Reply #74 on: August 03, 2011, 15:05:50 »

Speed

2hrs of a bus travelling at 50mph
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« Reply #75 on: August 03, 2011, 15:10:50 »

Speed

2hrs of a bus travelling at 50mph

Speed

They'd all have been dead if it had been based in Bristol
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« Reply #76 on: August 03, 2011, 15:20:06 »

Speed

2hrs of a bus travelling at 50mph

Speed

They'd all have been dead if it had been based in Bristol

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« Reply #77 on: August 03, 2011, 15:36:50 »

Speed

2hrs of a bus travelling at 50mph

Speed

They'd all have been dead if it had been based in Bristol

LMFAO
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« Reply #78 on: August 03, 2011, 17:38:23 »

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« Reply #79 on: August 04, 2011, 10:30:58 »

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« Reply #80 on: August 04, 2011, 18:38:13 »

Quote
In Ceramic Uncles & Celluloid Mammies, Patricia Turner writes that the gremlins "reflect negative African-American stereotypes" in their dress and behavior. They are shown "devouring fried chicken with their hands", listening to black music, breakdancing, and wearing sunglasses after dark and newsboy caps, a style common among African American males in the 1980s

I happen to know that many black people in the 80s couldn't get enough of Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs either

b2b

I did most of those things in the 80s too

 Smashed
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« Reply #81 on: August 04, 2011, 19:42:09 »

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« Reply #82 on: August 04, 2011, 19:46:14 »

JCVD: Van Damme acing his tits off in his native tongue and unjustly missing out on a Oscar nomination.

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« Reply #83 on: August 04, 2011, 20:31:11 »

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« Reply #84 on: August 04, 2011, 21:53:43 »

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« Reply #85 on: August 04, 2011, 22:52:37 »

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« Reply #86 on: August 05, 2011, 09:23:14 »

Why is gremlins racist?

Taken: U2 concerts should be avoided unless your Dad is a francophobic psychopath.

Gremlins is hideously racist. I could write an essay on it. Essentially the bad gremlins become caricatured black people that will destroy white society with lewdness, immorality and so forth. But when he's Mogwai he's oriental and cute. The black guy gets killed first (although that's just standard practice in 80s Hollywood). If you ever watch it again try and see it from the angle I've described and see what you think

Gremlins are green though, with a white/yellow chest.



Yes I know what colour they are. @ Cabalist... it doesn't, in any way

I'm quite surprised that the 'Jack doesn't seem to be aware of the inherent racism in America and it's films  Smashed not so much anymore, but 1930s - 90s were rife with it. I have a degree in film so I at least know a bit about it

You have a degree in fucking baloney.
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« Reply #87 on: August 05, 2011, 09:59:27 »

Quote
In Ceramic Uncles & Celluloid Mammies, Patricia Turner writes that the gremlins "reflect negative African-American stereotypes" in their dress and behavior. They are shown "devouring fried chicken with their hands", listening to black music, breakdancing, and wearing sunglasses after dark and newsboy caps, a style common among African American males in the 1980s

I happen to know that many black people in the 80s couldn't get enough of Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs either

b2b

I did most of those things in the 80s too

 Smashed

i would pay good money to see you breakdance after dark wearing sunglasses and a 'newsboy' cap
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« Reply #88 on: August 05, 2011, 10:05:10 »

Why is gremlins racist?

Taken: U2 concerts should be avoided unless your Dad is a francophobic psychopath.

Gremlins is hideously racist. I could write an essay on it. Essentially the bad gremlins become caricatured black people that will destroy white society with lewdness, immorality and so forth. But when he's Mogwai he's oriental and cute. The black guy gets killed first (although that's just standard practice in 80s Hollywood). If you ever watch it again try and see it from the angle I've described and see what you think

Gremlins are green though, with a white/yellow chest.



Yes I know what colour they are. @ Cabalist... it doesn't, in any way

I'm quite surprised that the 'Jack doesn't seem to be aware of the inherent racism in America and it's films  Smashed not so much anymore, but 1930s - 90s were rife with it. I have a degree in film so I at least know a bit about it

You have a degree in fucking baloney.

well, yeah, I did get that feeling while I was doing it. However in this instance I'm still right
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« Reply #89 on: August 05, 2011, 10:16:48 »

However in this instance I'm still right

Not until you can provide detail as to how it is racist.
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« Reply #90 on: August 05, 2011, 10:18:49 »

well, yeah, I did get that feeling while I was doing it. However in this instance I'm still right

Critical analysis does not = truth

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« Reply #91 on: August 05, 2011, 10:31:15 »

However in this instance I'm still right

Not until you can provide detail as to how it is racist.

Well that's not the case. Things can be correct without you understanding them. Also, I have provided a very vague summary of my opinion, and you've quoted some academic thinking on the film, so you should be able to decipher my angle. Just watch the film again if you're that concerned. And your (Hijack en masse) ignorance of Hollywood's racism throughout the ages is frankly laughable anyway... so to quote Sole "If you don't understand it, I can't explain it"

However, Andy is correct, critical analysis does not equal truth. We could get deep on the concept of truth, if you like?
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« Reply #92 on: August 05, 2011, 10:43:28 »

However in this instance I'm still right

Not until you can provide detail as to how it is racist.

Well that's not the case. Things can be correct without you understanding them. Also, I have provided a very vague summary of my opinion, and you've quoted some academic thinking on the film, so you should be able to decipher my angle. Just watch the film again if you're that concerned. And your (Hijack en masse) ignorance of Hollywood's racism throughout the ages is frankly laughable anyway... so to quote Sole "If you don't understand it, I can't explain it"

However, Andy is correct, critical analysis does not equal truth. We could get deep on the concept of truth, if you like?

I'd rather you stopped avoiding answering the question.
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« Reply #93 on: August 05, 2011, 10:44:04 »

However in this instance I'm still right

Not until you can provide detail as to how it is racist.

Well that's not the case. Things can be correct without you understanding them. Also, I have provided a very vague summary of my opinion, and you've quoted some academic thinking on the film, so you should be able to decipher my angle. Just watch the film again if you're that concerned. And your (Hijack en masse) ignorance of Hollywood's racism throughout the ages is frankly laughable anyway... so to quote Sole "If you don't understand it, I can't explain it"

However, Andy is correct, critical analysis does not equal truth. We could get deep on the concept of truth, if you like?

I'd rather you stopped avoiding answering the question.

I can't be arsed. It's an essay question
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« Reply #94 on: August 05, 2011, 10:47:49 »

We could get deep on the concept of truth, if you like?

Let's not, and get back to more one line movie reviews.



Apocalypse Now -

Martin Sheen lays the foundations for Hot Shots Part Deux, and some guy called 'Charlie' spends 3+ hours not surfing.
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Eat more cake.
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« Reply #95 on: August 05, 2011, 11:14:55 »

Bladerunner: The greatest opening scene to a film ever followed by zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzz, because it's soooo boring.
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One day you will all work for F.E.A.R
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wub. tssssh...


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« Reply #96 on: August 05, 2011, 11:40:38 »

The Book or Eli: Blind, black badass jesus takes a road trip to Alcatraz
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« Reply #97 on: August 05, 2011, 14:26:54 »

Norwegian Wood

Japanese woman goes mental and gets fingered a bit.
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Quote from: wub
Hermaphrodite yes, tranny no. A cock is still a cock, regardless of whether it's attached to a cracking pair of fake tits.

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« Reply #98 on: October 10, 2011, 14:46:00 »

Drive

Pallid man and pallid lady endure lenthly and frequent awkward silences interspersed with stupendously brutal killings.
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Catgroove
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« Reply #99 on: October 11, 2011, 10:33:29 »

Drive

Pallid man and pallid lady endure lenthly and frequent awkward silences interspersed with stupendously brutal killings.

Good film though.
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« Reply #100 on: October 11, 2011, 10:46:08 »

Cowboys and Aliens

Some cowboys fight some aliens
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« Reply #101 on: October 23, 2018, 13:29:11 »

Hoozami Gremlins belmfest.
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« Reply #102 on: December 12, 2018, 12:01:11 »

Creed II

See Rocky IV
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