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One-Line Movie Review Club **May contain spoilers!**

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plodocus
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« on: August 02, 2011, 23:08:51 »

OK I will start:

Chronicles of Narnia:

Four children visit an imaginary land filled with feuding yet somewhat dull paedophiles

...



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« Reply #1 on: August 02, 2011, 23:18:08 »

OK I will start:

Chronicles of Noodle:

Four paedophiles visit an imaginary land filled with feuding yet somewhat dull children
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« Reply #2 on: August 02, 2011, 23:28:29 »

captain america - pee wee takes steroids, becomes super badass and leads the fight against a strawberry flavoured condom head thus winning ww2.
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« Reply #3 on: August 02, 2011, 23:40:41 »

The Green Mile

6' 6" simpleton touches another mans groin and gets executed.

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« Reply #4 on: August 03, 2011, 00:53:50 »

Harry Potter

The bad guy is probably the good guy, and the good guy is generally the bad guy. (apart from the main characters, generally)

 Two Thumbs
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« Reply #5 on: August 03, 2011, 07:41:13 »

King Kong

Monkey falls in love with woman
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« Reply #6 on: August 03, 2011, 07:56:11 »

Rambo

Nonsensical action film with a higher bodycount than wordcount
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« Reply #7 on: August 03, 2011, 08:08:31 »

Rambo

Nonsensical action film with a higher bodycount than wordcount

Only one person dies. Accidentally at that.
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« Reply #8 on: August 03, 2011, 08:16:52 »

The Ninth Gate - Shit.
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« Reply #9 on: August 03, 2011, 08:18:01 »

High School Musical:

Poignant 90-minute visual argument for the right to abortion.
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« Reply #10 on: August 03, 2011, 08:22:04 »

The People Under The Stairs

A detailed account about the life and times of Joseph Fritzl.
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« Reply #11 on: August 03, 2011, 08:27:14 »

Rambo

Nonsensical action film with a higher bodycount than wordcount

Only one person dies. Accidentally at that.

236 people die, you are thinking of Rambo, First Blood  Grin
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« Reply #12 on: August 03, 2011, 08:27:46 »

Wings of the Apache

Top Gun with helicopters
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« Reply #13 on: August 03, 2011, 08:54:12 »

Labyrinth

Paedo lures young girl into fantasy lair
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« Reply #14 on: August 03, 2011, 08:57:10 »

Commando -

Best film ever.

Could also just put this -

Rambo Commando -
Nonsensical action film with a higher bodycount than wordcount
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« Reply #15 on: August 03, 2011, 08:57:57 »

The Matrix

Flimsy Christian metaphor sodden with hair gel
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« Reply #16 on: August 03, 2011, 08:59:55 »

watership down


some rabbits move house
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« Reply #17 on: August 03, 2011, 09:07:49 »

watership down


some rabbits move house

This is the best one so far  Laugh
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« Reply #18 on: August 03, 2011, 10:47:41 »

Can we have a rating too please;

Back to the future
Boy goes back in time and convinces his dad to punch the school bully in the face.

9/10
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« Reply #19 on: August 03, 2011, 10:49:33 »

watership down


some rabbits move house

 Laugh Laugh Laugh
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« Reply #20 on: August 03, 2011, 11:05:05 »

Transformers (all of them)
Somebody does something pointless and robots punch each other
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« Reply #21 on: August 03, 2011, 11:09:39 »

I can't take credit for this one, but it's good anyway...

Basic Instinct
Bill's quick capsule review: piece of shit.
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« Reply #22 on: August 03, 2011, 11:35:05 »

Snakes on a plane:

Snakes, on a plane
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« Reply #23 on: August 03, 2011, 11:41:22 »

Forrest Gump.

Chocolate fan goes for a brisk jog.
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« Reply #24 on: August 03, 2011, 11:50:46 »

Tree of Life - Two boys play in a garden, while dad is shouty and mum is nice, in style of 1980s perfume Advert for nearly THREE HOURS.
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« Reply #25 on: August 03, 2011, 11:51:01 »

Forrest Gump.

Chocolate fan goes for a brisk jog.

 Two Thumbs Laughing
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« Reply #26 on: August 03, 2011, 11:55:08 »

Blade Trinity

Shit 2hr Apple advert with vampires
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« Reply #27 on: August 03, 2011, 11:58:11 »

Can we have a rating too please;

Back to the future
Boy goes back in time and convinces his dad to punch the school bully in the face, then gets with his mum.

9/10

Fixed
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« Reply #28 on: August 03, 2011, 12:14:43 »

The Matrix

Flimsy Christian metaphor sodden with hair gel
and fetish gear.
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« Reply #29 on: August 03, 2011, 12:16:05 »

Boys in Tha Hood: Black kid gets shot, but white people are to blame.
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« Reply #30 on: August 03, 2011, 12:21:43 »

OK

I am clearly no good at this; all of my efforts thus far have been 'Fixed'  Laugh


2001: A Space Odyssey: A ludicrously overrated snoozefest lacking any subtext whatsoever



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« Reply #31 on: August 03, 2011, 12:24:02 »

Tron Legacy - A very long Daft Punk music video

Quote
2001: A Space Odyssey: A ludicrously overrated snoozefest lacking any subtext whatsoever
 

Tut Tut

2001: A Space Odyssey - A beautiful dream of Transendence  Two Thumbs

Black Dynamite -  Pimp
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« Reply #32 on: August 03, 2011, 12:25:14 »

Full Metal Jacket: happy go lucky men become souless killing machines. Along the way the fat one commits suicide.
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« Reply #33 on: August 03, 2011, 12:27:58 »

Shawshank Redemption: two men flirt and bat eyelids at each other for 3 decades of prison time, one breaks free, the other is paroled, ending in a massive bumming on a beach in Mexico.
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« Reply #34 on: August 03, 2011, 12:29:18 »

The Fall

Visually arresting but ultimately pretentious drivel starring a chubby Hispanic girl that speaks retarded unitentionally.
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« Reply #35 on: August 03, 2011, 12:35:12 »

Can we have more funny, less ranting opinion please.


The Usual Suspects -

Proof the handicapped can't be trusted.
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« Reply #36 on: August 03, 2011, 12:36:26 »

OK

I am clearly no good at this; all of my efforts thus far have been 'Fixed'  Laugh


2001: A Space Odyssey: A ludicrously overrated snoozefest lacking any subtext whatsoever





No, this is more your subjective opinion rather than a brief summary of what actually happens.
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« Reply #37 on: August 03, 2011, 12:37:01 »

OK

I am clearly no good at this; all of my efforts thus far have been 'Fixed'  Laugh


2001: A Space Odyssey: A ludicrously overrated snoozefest lacking any subtext whatsoever





No, this is more your subjective opinion rather than a brief summary of what actually happens.

err.. that's what a review is
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« Reply #38 on: August 03, 2011, 12:38:50 »

Brokeback mountain: two queers get what they deserve
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« Reply #39 on: August 03, 2011, 12:43:18 »

speaks retarded unitentionally.

 Bad Teeth
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« Reply #40 on: August 03, 2011, 12:44:34 »

OK

I am clearly no good at this; all of my efforts thus far have been 'Fixed'  Laugh


2001: A Space Odyssey: A ludicrously overrated snoozefest lacking any subtext whatsoever





No, this is more your subjective opinion rather than a brief summary of what actually happens.

err.. that's what a review is

Yeah OK, but what we are really doing here is a synopsis, rather than a review

Bill's original SATC post was a synopsis, not his opinion of the film
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« Reply #41 on: August 03, 2011, 12:45:29 »

Schindlers List: Speilberg over embelishes and dramatises a questionable event.
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« Reply #42 on: August 03, 2011, 12:45:35 »

Titanic

A ship that cannot sink, sinks
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« Reply #43 on: August 03, 2011, 12:45:48 »

Boys in Tha Hood: Black kid gets shot, but white people are to blame.

Where's your sex and the city 2 1 line review?  Bad Teeth
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« Reply #44 on: August 03, 2011, 12:47:31 »

OK

I am clearly no good at this; all of my efforts thus far have been 'Fixed'  Laugh


2001: A Space Odyssey: A ludicrously overrated snoozefest lacking any subtext whatsoever





No, this is more your subjective opinion rather than a brief summary of what actually happens.

err.. that's what a review is

Yeah OK, but what we are really doing here is a synopsis, rather than a review

Bill's original SATC post was a synopsis, not his opinion of the film

Fine.
2001: A Space Odyssey: Spaceships and apes move in purportedly meaningful ways to a garish and overbearing soundtrack

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« Reply #45 on: August 03, 2011, 12:50:41 »

The Dark Knight

A hyperactive troublemaker in shit make-up runs amok while a millionaire vigilante with a penchant for bat fetishism attempts to track him down to give him a stern telling off.
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« Reply #46 on: August 03, 2011, 12:53:49 »

speaks retarded unitentionally.

 Bad Teeth

Yeah I thought it may have been the other way round when posting! Ha!
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« Reply #47 on: August 03, 2011, 12:56:04 »

Gremlins
little oriental creature turns into a black creature, spawns rapidly and tries to destroy white american smalltown society in this excruciatingly racist yet somehow 'cult' film
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13.09 - Mr Wolfs

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« Reply #48 on: August 03, 2011, 12:56:47 »

OK

I am clearly no good at this; all of my efforts thus far have been 'Fixed'  Laugh


2001: A Space Odyssey: A ludicrously overrated snoozefest lacking any subtext whatsoever





No, this is more your subjective opinion rather than a brief summary of what actually happens.

err.. that's what a review is

Yeah OK, but what we are really doing here is a synopsis, rather than a review

Bill's original SATC post was a synopsis, not his opinion of the film
that's very true. In fact I'm surprised I managed to keep it free from personal opinion. I could blatantly do this for a living. Kermode as the straight laced reviewer and me as the concise and honest reviewer with a peppering of cynicism.
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« Reply #49 on: August 03, 2011, 12:57:57 »

I was going for the more Brooker-esque angle
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