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letter of complaint

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« on: August 28, 2004, 17:58:04 »

Dear all at customer services,

I visited the virgin megastore in Bristol today to buy a couple of
Bach cds. I was pleased to notice that unlike most of the discs in
virgin - especially the jazz ones - they were reasonably priced. I was
also pleased that I was not kept waiting in a queue for very long at
all. So far so good. However, imagine my surprise when as my discs
were being scanned, the otherwise fairly amenable sales assistant
suddenly asked me if I would "like to pre-order the star wars trilogy
on DVD". I find this kind of aggressive sales pitch extremely
irritating, and it can't be much fun for a member of staff charged
with asking random members of the public such asinine and irrelevant
questions. I shudder to think what kind of abusive responses they get
from less enlightened members of modern British society, of which
there are many.
Should I visit another virgin outlet and be confronted with this
outrageous policy again, the company will find itself significantly
poorer, as I will be left with no choice but to suspend my generous
patronage of its stores and services.

Good day to you,

Ben Watson

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« Reply #1 on: August 28, 2004, 18:00:12 »

You're an arse. (Sign it 'Benjamin', it looks more pompous).
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« Reply #2 on: August 28, 2004, 18:20:52 »

I shudder to think what kind of abusive responses they get
from less enlightened members of modern British society, of which
there are many.

you snob bastard  Laugh

the company will find itself insignificantly poorer

that's better
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« Reply #3 on: August 28, 2004, 18:25:27 »

I shudder to think what kind of abusive responses they get
from less enlightened members of modern British society, of which
there are many.

you snob bastard  Laugh


I can't help being upper class. I don't dislike Britain's criminal underclass per se, I just think they should be kept at arm's length.
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« Reply #4 on: August 28, 2004, 18:27:20 »

you snob bastard  Laugh


You going soft Mark? Don't think I didn't see you tone down your language there...

By the way, are you going to this party on the hill tomorrow? Turns out I'm not working after all (at least I don't think I am), so I may grace it with my presence- someone needs to balance out the less enlightened members of our society.
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« Reply #5 on: August 28, 2004, 18:30:12 »

you snob bastard  Laugh


You going soft Mark? Don't think I didn't see you tone down your language there...

By the way, are you going to this party on the hill tomorrow? Turns out I'm not working after all (at least I don't think I am), so I may grace it with my presence- someone needs to balance out the less enlightened members of our society.

hey, i'm feeling too chilled to be that offensive atm. besides, such words should be saved for the occasion or overuse will limit their effectiveness.

indeed i reckon i'll be there tomorrow, nothing exact sorted yet. depends on whether the poker is all done by 6am  so i can get enough sleep.

will bell you in the morrow  Cool
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« Reply #6 on: August 28, 2004, 18:37:16 »

By the way, are you going to this party on the hill tomorrow? Turns out I'm not working after all (at least I don't think I am), so I may grace it with my presence- someone needs to balance out the less enlightened members of our society.

Ted-ward... don't worry bout smelly Mark - I'll be there, whether the poker drags on til 6 or 7 or 8... so get yo ass there for some early afternoon drinking... the Vaults have even got some Thatchers in speshul, like!! Woot!

Er- and @ Benj - that's almost as good as your Melanie Sykes letter - qwalitee  Laughing
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« Reply #7 on: August 28, 2004, 18:49:26 »

By the way, are you going to this party on the hill tomorrow? Turns out I'm not working after all (at least I don't think I am), so I may grace it with my presence- someone needs to balance out the less enlightened members of our society.

Ted-ward... don't worry bout smelly Mark - I'll be there, whether the poker drags on til 6 or 7 or 8... so get yo ass there for some early afternoon drinking... the Vaults have even got some Thatchers in speshul, like!! Woot!

Er- and @ Benj - that's almost as good as your Melanie Sykes letter - qwalitee  Laughing

Didn't know that you knew about that.  Embarrassed
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« Reply #8 on: August 28, 2004, 18:50:27 »

Ben - you've TOLD me about that on a number of occassions with great delight. (Plus every brack boy ever has told me at least once as well).
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« Reply #9 on: August 28, 2004, 18:51:02 »

Dear all at customer services,

I visited the virgin megastore in Bristol today to buy a couple of
Bach cds. I was pleased to notice that unlike most of the discs in
virgin - especially the jazz ones - they were reasonably priced. I was
also pleased that I was not kept waiting in a queue for very long at
all. So far so good. However, imagine my surprise when as my discs
were being scanned, the otherwise fairly amenable sales assistant
suddenly asked me if I would "like to pre-order the star wars trilogy
on DVD". I find this kind of aggressive sales pitch extremely
irritating, and it can't be much fun for a member of staff charged
with asking random members of the public such asinine and irrelevant
questions. I shudder to think what kind of abusive responses they get
from less enlightened members of modern British society, of which
there are many.
Should I visit another virgin outlet and be confronted with this
outrageous policy again, the company will find itself significantly
poorer, as I will be left with no choice but to suspend my generous
patronage of its stores and services.

Good day to you,

Ben Watson



Apparently if the sales assistant doesn't ask 'the relevant sales question' you can get a 10% discount and the sales person gets a right pasting from the boss. Nice! Doh!
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« Reply #10 on: August 28, 2004, 18:54:04 »

Dear all at customer services,

I visited the virgin megastore in Bristol today to buy a couple of
Bach cds. I was pleased to notice that unlike most of the discs in
virgin - especially the jazz ones - they were reasonably priced. I was
also pleased that I was not kept waiting in a queue for very long at
all. So far so good. However, imagine my surprise when as my discs
were being scanned, the otherwise fairly amenable sales assistant
suddenly asked me if I would "like to pre-order the star wars trilogy
on DVD". I find this kind of aggressive sales pitch extremely
irritating, and it can't be much fun for a member of staff charged
with asking random members of the public such asinine and irrelevant
questions. I shudder to think what kind of abusive responses they get
from less enlightened members of modern British society, of which
there are many.
Should I visit another virgin outlet and be confronted with this
outrageous policy again, the company will find itself significantly
poorer, as I will be left with no choice but to suspend my generous
patronage of its stores and services.

Good day to you,

Ben Watson



Apparently if the sales assistant doesn't ask 'the relevant sales question' you can get a 10% discount and the sales person gets a right pasting from the boss. Nice! Doh!

They must think we are all morons.
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« Reply #11 on: August 28, 2004, 19:18:30 »

They're shit scared cos we at HMV have been given an exclusive "gold" box set, that no other retailer can sell.  It's the same price and to be honest I've no idea what's different about it, but I think Virgin are crapping their frilly panties that they're not gonna sell much.

Listen to me, I fucking love it mate.
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« Reply #12 on: August 28, 2004, 19:27:41 »

They're shit scared cos we at HMV have been given an exclusive "gold" box set, that no other retailer can sell.  It's the same price and to be honest I've no idea what's different about it, but I think Virgin are crapping their frilly panties that they're not gonna sell much.

Listen to me, I fucking love it mate.

Gold box set??

Love  Love



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« Reply #13 on: August 28, 2004, 20:17:41 »

Love

 Slayer Slayer Slayer Slayer Slayer

badass
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« Reply #14 on: August 28, 2004, 20:33:33 »

urgh
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« Reply #15 on: August 29, 2004, 12:18:49 »

I don't dislike Britain's criminal underclass per se, I just think they should be kept at arm's length.
Laugh Laughing
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« Reply #16 on: August 29, 2004, 12:20:13 »

They must think we are all morons.

you are, you raving belmer
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« Reply #17 on: August 31, 2004, 12:13:11 »

Dear Mr Watson,

Thank you for your e-mail.

I was very concerned to hear about your dissatisfaction with your shopping
experience in our Bristol Megastore.
As a result, I have forwarded your comments to our Retail Operations
Department at Head Office, for their information.

It was very disappointing to read about the way you felt, and I can assure
you that it is not our intention to make our customers feel uncomfortable
or irritated when visiting our stores. It sounds as if the way in which the
offer was presented to you was not appropriate for which I would like to
offer you my sincere apologies. I have also forwarded your comments to the
Management Team at Bristol, as they are best placed to ensure that a
similar customer experience does not re-occur in their store.

Once again, please accept my apologies for the frustration that you must
have felt.

I would also like to take this opportunity to thank you for your loyalty to
Virgin Megastores and continued valued custom.

Kind regards,
George
Customer Services
Virgin Megastores

This e-mail was sent by customerservices@virginmega.co.uk
Please use this address when replying to us, using the 'reply with history'
function.
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« Reply #18 on: August 31, 2004, 16:03:32 »

Benj- PLEASE do the decent thing and reply telling them how much you appreciate their prompt and courteous response. It's the least you owe them.
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« Reply #19 on: August 31, 2004, 18:40:09 »

yeah get into a lengthy discussion on manners....
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« Reply #20 on: September 01, 2004, 10:42:37 »

Dear Mr Watson,

Thank you for your e-mail.

I was very concerned to hear about your dissatisfaction with your shopping
experience in our Bristol Megastore.
As a result, I have forwarded your comments to our Retail Operations
Department at Head Office, for their information.

It was very disappointing to read about the way you felt, and I can assure
you that it is not our intention to make our customers feel uncomfortable
or irritated when visiting our stores. It sounds as if the way in which the
offer was presented to you was not appropriate for which I would like to
offer you my sincere apologies. I have also forwarded your comments to the
Management Team at Bristol, as they are best placed to ensure that a
similar customer experience does not re-occur in their store.

Once again, please accept my apologies for the frustration that you must
have felt.

I would also like to take this opportunity to thank you for your loyalty to
Virgin Megastores and continued valued custom.

Kind regards,
George
Customer Services
Virgin Megastores

This e-mail was sent by customerservices@virginmega.co.uk
Please use this address when replying to us, using the 'reply with history'
function.


can you imagine spending your whole life having to write letters like this? the person doing this job must have zero self-esteem and a very low self confidence by now.
either that or they're seriousy thick-skinned and couldn't give a fuck whatsoever.

how bloody pointless 
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« Reply #21 on: September 01, 2004, 11:13:46 »

Dear Mr Watson,

Thank you for your e-mail.

I was very concerned to hear about your dissatisfaction with your shopping
experience in our Bristol Megastore.
As a result, I have forwarded your comments to our Retail Operations
Department at Head Office, for their information.

It was very disappointing to read about the way you felt, and I can assure
you that it is not our intention to make our customers feel uncomfortable
or irritated when visiting our stores. It sounds as if the way in which the
offer was presented to you was not appropriate for which I would like to
offer you my sincere apologies. I have also forwarded your comments to the
Management Team at Bristol, as they are best placed to ensure that a
similar customer experience does not re-occur in their store.

Once again, please accept my apologies for the frustration that you must
have felt.

I would also like to take this opportunity to thank you for your loyalty to
Virgin Megastores and continued valued custom.

Kind regards,
George
Customer Services
Virgin Megastores

This e-mail was sent by customerservices@virginmega.co.uk
Please use this address when replying to us, using the 'reply with history'
function.


can you imagine spending your whole life having to write letters like this? the person doing this job must have zero self-esteem and a very low self confidence by now.
either that or they're seriousy thick-skinned and couldn't give a fuck whatsoever.

how bloody pointless 

They probably have a form letter saved into their computer. I'm just amazed the guy replied.
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« Reply #22 on: September 01, 2004, 15:33:51 »

Wovers...

Are you going to enlighten us about the Melanie Sykes letter? It sounds intriguing.....
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« Reply #23 on: September 01, 2004, 15:35:33 »

I think Ben should do that.
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« Reply #24 on: September 01, 2004, 16:19:23 »

Dear Mr Watson,

Thank you for your e-mail.

I was very concerned to hear about your dissatisfaction with your shopping
experience in our Bristol Megastore.
As a result, I have forwarded your comments to our Retail Operations
Department at Head Office, for their information.

It was very disappointing to read about the way you felt, and I can assure
you that it is not our intention to make our customers feel uncomfortable
or irritated when visiting our stores. It sounds as if the way in which the
offer was presented to you was not appropriate for which I would like to
offer you my sincere apologies. I have also forwarded your comments to the
Management Team at Bristol, as they are best placed to ensure that a
similar customer experience does not re-occur in their store.

Once again, please accept my apologies for the frustration that you must
have felt.

I would also like to take this opportunity to thank you for your loyalty to
Virgin Megastores and continued valued custom.

Kind regards,
George
Customer Services
Virgin Megastores

This e-mail was sent by customerservices@virginmega.co.uk
Please use this address when replying to us, using the 'reply with history'
function.


can you imagine spending your whole life having to write letters like this? the person doing this job must have zero self-esteem and a very low self confidence by now.
either that or they're seriousy thick-skinned and couldn't give a fuck whatsoever.

how bloody pointless 



Thats what I do!!













and no these people dont gove a shit.. i mean really, would you??

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« Reply #25 on: September 01, 2004, 16:22:45 »

HA!  Laughing

Dig your way out of that one Benny Boy...
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« Reply #26 on: September 01, 2004, 22:48:19 »

Dear Mr Watson,

Thank you for your e-mail.

I was very concerned to hear about your dissatisfaction with your shopping
experience in our Bristol Megastore.
As a result, I have forwarded your comments to our Retail Operations
Department at Head Office, for their information.

It was very disappointing to read about the way you felt, and I can assure
you that it is not our intention to make our customers feel uncomfortable
or irritated when visiting our stores. It sounds as if the way in which the
offer was presented to you was not appropriate for which I would like to
offer you my sincere apologies. I have also forwarded your comments to the
Management Team at Bristol, as they are best placed to ensure that a
similar customer experience does not re-occur in their store.

Once again, please accept my apologies for the frustration that you must
have felt.

I would also like to take this opportunity to thank you for your loyalty to
Virgin Megastores and continued valued custom.

Kind regards,
George
Customer Services
Virgin Megastores

This e-mail was sent by customerservices@virginmega.co.uk
Please use this address when replying to us, using the 'reply with history'
function.


can you imagine spending your whole life having to write letters like this? the person doing this job must have zero self-esteem and a very low self confidence by now.
either that or they're seriousy thick-skinned and couldn't give a fuck whatsoever.

how bloody pointless 

They probably have a form letter saved into their computer. I'm just amazed the guy replied.

yer it probly is, but it's also a lot like the crap they're trying to get us to do where I work. 'taking on a familiar tone' and 'empathising with the customer' etc etc....  Roll Eyes

its all crap and its good to see that people dont buy it  Cheesy

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« Reply #27 on: February 19, 2005, 18:58:29 »

Dear all at Bath Ales,

A small complaint perhaps, but it does seem to matter....
I am a regular patron of the Hare on the Hill in Kingsdown, mainly due to the excellent beer on sale there - the hare does the best real ale in Bristol in my opinion, and the new management team seem to be maintaining these high standards. I do not live particularly close to this pub, but choose to walk for 20 minutes or so to get there for reasons of nice beer, and I frequent the hare at least three evenings a week on average. However of late myself and my friends have noticed a rather disturbing development: I can understand a landlord wishing to clear his premises quickly after time has been called, but I feel that it is somewhat erroneous and over-zealous to fling the doors of the pub open at 11.15pm in the middle of February with the aim of flooding the pub with cold air in order to create an unpleasant atmosphere so that patrons leave more quickly. This has occurred several times on recent visits. The new team at the hare seem particularly enamoured of this admittedly highly effective method of clearing the pub of customers, but I feel it would be much more in keeping with the generally friendly spirit of this otherwise lovely pub to employ the more traditional method of politely asking drinkers to finish their drinks and leave, rather than subjecting them to the "arctic hairdryer" treatment should they not happen to have finished their pint by 11.15pm. My apologies for feeling the need to write an email of complaint, but I was wondering if you could take note of these concerns...

Many thanks,

Ben Watson
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« Reply #28 on: February 19, 2005, 19:02:44 »

ben, yuo really are too much

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its funny cos its true!
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« Reply #29 on: February 19, 2005, 19:27:29 »

 Laughing
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« Reply #30 on: February 19, 2005, 19:51:08 »

This is a well funny thread! Go Benj!
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« Reply #31 on: February 19, 2005, 22:27:32 »

I feel it would be much more in keeping with the generally friendly spirit of this otherwise lovely pub to employ the more traditional method of politely asking drinkers to finish their drinks and leave, rather than subjecting them to the "arctic hairdryer" treatment should they not happen to have finished their pint by 11.15pm.

Laughing

Oh Ben, you write complaint letters almost as eloquently as I do!
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« Reply #32 on: February 21, 2005, 11:04:21 »

Has there been a reply yet?
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« Reply #33 on: February 21, 2005, 12:45:10 »

shut up man.
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« Reply #34 on: February 24, 2005, 16:19:56 »

"I have discussed the "Artic Hairdryer" with Tim at the pub and he assures me this practice will cease immediately. He has also had fitted , a set of draught excluders to the front doors and repaired the radiator under the new plasma screen.Hopefully,the Artic conditions at the Hare will become more congenial , which will mean you will have to drink more of our beers to keep cool!!!!!!!

Incidentally,Tim's brother plays bass in a band , so you may be able to sell him some sound equipment.

Once again, thank you for taking the trouble to write to us.

Regards

Mike"
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« Reply #35 on: February 24, 2005, 16:23:24 »

Somebody's getting a dodgy pint next time he goes there.  Tongue
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« Reply #36 on: February 24, 2005, 19:39:28 »

"I have discussed the "Artic Hairdryer" with Tim at the pub and he assures me this practice will cease immediately. He has also had fitted , a set of draught excluders to the front doors and repaired the radiator under the new plasma screen.Hopefully,the Artic conditions at the Hare will become more congenial , which will mean you will have to drink more of our beers to keep cool!!!!!!!
Incidentally,Tim's brother plays bass in a band , so you may be able to sell him some sound equipment.
Once again, thank you for taking the trouble to write to us.
Regards
Mike"

Benj! You go girl Laugh Slayer
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« Reply #37 on: March 05, 2005, 13:00:49 »

*Me being a twat 7 years ago*
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« Reply #38 on: March 05, 2005, 13:24:14 »

  Script Script Script  Script Script

Preach on Brother Watson, preach on!

The List of Grievances i have with The Co-Operative Bank (to quote Jonny Lee Miller in Trainspotting, 'a total fucking misnomer') are as varied, long and strangely similar to your own.

My major bugbear with them at present is the fact that even though our joint account gets a hefty sum deposited into it every month, we're still not good enough to get a fricking bankcard which can be used for internet purchases! Angry Angry Angry

Any time i go into the branch there, i usually walk out after about 15 mins because it always seems to be the same customers complaining about the same things. I think it may be time to make the switch to Triodos.
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« Reply #39 on: March 05, 2005, 17:34:07 »

Ben, if you live to be an old man you will undoubtedly b a total fucker; the scourge of service provders everywhere. I very much enjoyed reading the expression "to wit;" sadly it seems to be slipping into disuse outside of the confines of the complaint letter. Perhaps in your next letter you could start with an archaic greeting such "good morrow."

You are right that it is ridiculous that no phone call is made to tell you that you are in danger of having your account closed down. Companies seem oblivious to the fact that a quick phone call might solve a problem with a customer far quicker than a laborious and slow exchange of letters. I find it laughable that, in the past, my telephone company have got to the stage where they have threatened to take me to court if they do not recieve payment but have not thought of picking up the instrument of my debt and calling me to see if there was some kind of a problem that could easily be fixed. Idiots.

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« Reply #40 on: March 06, 2005, 17:10:56 »

Ben, if you live to be an old man you will undoubtedly b a total fucker; the scourge of service provders everywhere. I very much enjoyed reading the expression "to wit;" sadly it seems to be slipping into disuse outside of the confines of the complaint letter. Perhaps in your next letter you could start with an archaic greeting such "good morrow."

You are right that it is ridiculous that no phone call is made to tell you that you are in danger of having your account closed down. Companies seem oblivious to the fact that a quick phone call might solve a problem with a customer far quicker than a laborious and slow exchange of letters. I find it laughable that, in the past, my telephone company have got to the stage where they have threatened to take me to court if they do not recieve payment but have not thought of picking up the instrument of my debt and calling me to see if there was some kind of a problem that could easily be fixed. Idiots.



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« Reply #41 on: January 23, 2006, 21:20:07 »

Dear all at first buses,

Hi you racists,

Yet again I have taken it upon myself to waste some more of my valuable time writing to complain to you about the shambolic toffee shop you run that masquerades as a bus service. You people are scum.
This morning I left my home in Bristol's fair centre and made my way to the hippodrome to catch a 43/44/45 to st george where I work on mondays shaping the minds of future generations. Having waited in arctic temperatures for a dull twenty minutes, lo! a bus finally appeared; I lifted my heavy work bags and staggered towards the doors. Imagine my surprise when as soon as your diesel spewing death trap rust bucket had vomited its passengers onto the street, the driver closed the doors and proceeded to drive off. This myopic ignoramus had not even looked at the pavement, where, believe it or not, it is tradition for passengers to stand, usually for a protracted period while we wait for some indolent cretin to finish reading his newspaper - or perhaps it was the beano - and have a cigarette. Said driver was deaf to my admittedly unusual entreaties that he stop the bus and let me alight. Even frantic shouting and waving would not dissuade him from his quest to lurch towards a red traffic light twenty yards down the road, tipping coffee onto a fat lady's lap on the top deck in the process, to everybody's private gratification. A well aimed kick at the side of the vehicle, which to my satisfaction left a healthy dent, also proved unsuccessful in stopping this man, hell bent on his own and everyone else's destruction. This was clearly a man with the intellect of a grape. I arrived late for work, impairing the education of 30 children, many of whom will probably end up working as first bus drivers; I'm not naive: I know a conspiracy when I see one. You had best be aware that I am watching your activities very closely.

Yours in Combat

Benjamin Isiah Van Damme
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« Reply #42 on: January 23, 2006, 21:23:00 »

I arrived late for work, impairing the education of 30 children, many of whom will probably end up working as first bus drivers; I'm not naive: I know a conspiracy when I see one.

Laughing Laughing Laughing Laugh Laughing
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« Reply #43 on: January 23, 2006, 21:27:19 »

 Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing

Oh my word; I wish I could write like that
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« Reply #44 on: January 23, 2006, 21:28:35 »

This is a far more productive way to pass the time than anything else I do when I'm bored. I may have to start a habit.
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« Reply #45 on: January 23, 2006, 21:30:19 »

I arrived late for work, impairing the education of 30 children, many of whom will probably end up working as first bus drivers; I'm not naive: I know a conspiracy when I see one.

Laughing Laughing Laughing Laugh Laughing

 Script

 Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing
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« Reply #46 on: January 23, 2006, 21:35:06 »

Ben you slay me . .   .
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« Reply #47 on: January 23, 2006, 21:35:18 »

This is a far more productive way to pass the time than anything else I do when I'm bored. I may have to start a habit.

 Script

I wish that i could write like that, and be bothered to write to companies when complaining!
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« Reply #48 on: January 24, 2006, 11:45:32 »

This is a far more productive way to pass the time than anything else I do when I'm bored. I may have to start a habit.

 Script

I wish that i could write like that, and be bothered to write to companies when complaining!

Me to  - whenever i am on a train I have usually composed (in my head) a letter about the incompantancy of First Great Western - however I am usually so relieved to arrive at my final destination that I can't face annoying myself any more by thinking about first great western
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« Reply #49 on: January 24, 2006, 12:07:04 »

Wicked Star Wars on DVD

 OMG Death Star!!!11  OMG Death Star!!!11  OMG Death Star!!!11
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« Reply #50 on: January 24, 2006, 12:36:15 »

Brilliant, I smell a business idea, you should write letters of complaint on behalf of the less educated. £5 a pop,  www.complaintmaster.com Wink
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« Reply #51 on: January 24, 2006, 12:38:37 »

Brilliant, I smell a business idea, you should write letters of complaint on behalf of the less educated. £5 a pop,  www.complaintmaster.com Wink

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Do it Benj, DO IT!
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« Reply #52 on: January 24, 2006, 12:39:45 »

He can publish a collection years down the line, like 'Letters from a Nut'- he can call it 'Letters from a C**t' instead.  Grin
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« Reply #53 on: January 24, 2006, 12:42:22 »

kinda been done already
TIME WASTERS LETTERS
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« Reply #54 on: January 24, 2006, 12:45:53 »

kinda been done already
TIME WASTERS LETTERS

Or, indeed, the aforementioned 'Letters From a Nut'  Wink
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« Reply #55 on: January 24, 2006, 12:46:20 »

Dear all at first buses,

Hi you racists,

Yet again I have taken it upon myself to waste some more of my valuable time writing to complain to you about the shambolic toffee shop you run that masquerades as a bus service. You people are scum.
This morning I left my home in Bristol's fair centre and made my way to the hippodrome to catch a 43/44/45 to st george where I work on mondays shaping the minds of future generations. Having waited in arctic temperatures for a dull twenty minutes, lo! a bus finally appeared; I lifted my heavy work bags and staggered towards the doors. Imagine my surprise when as soon as your diesel spewing death trap rust bucket had vomited its passengers onto the street, the driver closed the doors and proceeded to drive off. This myopic ignoramus had not even looked at the pavement, where, believe it or not, it is tradition for passengers to stand, usually for a protracted period while we wait for some indolent cretin to finish reading his newspaper - or perhaps it was the beano - and have a cigarette. Said driver was deaf to my admittedly unusual entreaties that he stop the bus and let me alight. Even frantic shouting and waving would not dissuade him from his quest to lurch towards a red traffic light twenty yards down the road, tipping coffee onto a fat lady's lap on the top deck in the process, to everybody's private gratification. A well aimed kick at the side of the vehicle, which to my satisfaction left a healthy dent, also proved unsuccessful in stopping this man, hell bent on his own and everyone else's destruction. This was clearly a man with the intellect of a grape. I arrived late for work, impairing the education of 30 children, many of whom will probably end up working as first bus drivers; I'm not naive: I know a conspiracy when I see one. You had best be aware that I am watching your activities very closely.

Yours in Combat

Benjamin Isiah Van Damme

Possibly the best post i've ever read
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« Reply #56 on: January 24, 2006, 12:46:49 »

Said driver was deaf to my admittedly unusual entreaties that he stop the bus and let me alight.

How could you 'alight' if you weren't on the bus?!

 NERD ALERT!
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« Reply #57 on: January 24, 2006, 12:47:34 »

Verbose in the extreme, but a hilarious read. Id love (momentarily) to be the Customer Services worker that has to read this. Let us know if you get a reply.

Quote
This was clearly a man with the intellect of a grape.

 Laugh

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« Reply #58 on: January 24, 2006, 12:57:21 »

I wrote a letter of complaint before and it landed me £300  Two Thumbs

not that I make a habit of it but also had a few other bits and bobs like vouchers for cash off food and that - sad I know - but cool to get freebies just for saying you dont or do like something.
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« Reply #59 on: January 24, 2006, 13:02:13 »

My sister once wrote a letter of praise to Cabury's saying how much she liked their chocolate, and in return they sent her a box set of Roald Dahl's entire biography!  Slayer
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« Reply #60 on: January 24, 2006, 13:04:06 »

My sister once wrote a letter of praise to Cabury's saying how much she liked their chocolate, and in return they sent her a box set of Roald Dahl's entire biography!  Slayer

WHAT?! And no Chocolate?! Cheapskates! What kid wants books?! PAH!  Wink

(Although I do reckon she was probably after a bit of chocolate too... was she dissappointed not to receive any?)
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« Reply #61 on: January 24, 2006, 13:05:27 »

My sister once wrote a letter of praise to Cabury's saying how much she liked their chocolate, and in return they sent her a box set of Roald Dahl's entire biography!  Slayer

WHAT?! And no Chocolate?! Cheapskates! What kid wants books?! PAH!  Wink

(Although I do reckon she was probably after a bit of chocolate too... was she dissappointed not to receive any?)

No, I think £40's worth of books seemed like a fair settlement. After that she tried writing to Nike and telling them how much she liked their shoes, but they were having none of it  Laughing
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« Reply #62 on: January 24, 2006, 13:07:45 »

My sister once wrote a letter of praise to Cabury's saying how much she liked their chocolate, and in return they sent her a box set of Roald Dahl's entire biography!  Slayer

WHAT?! And no Chocolate?! Cheapskates! What kid wants books?! PAH!  Wink

(Although I do reckon she was probably after a bit of chocolate too... was she dissappointed not to receive any?)

No, I think £40's worth of books seemed like a fair settlement. After that she tried writing to Nike and telling them how much she liked their shoes, but they were having none of it  Laughing

 Laugh Laugh
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« Reply #63 on: January 24, 2006, 13:22:30 »

Said driver was deaf to my admittedly unusual entreaties that he stop the bus and let me alight.

How could you 'alight' if you weren't on the bus?!

 NERD ALERT!


Yes, i also wondred this - otherwise a letter that Kingsley would have been proud to write.
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« Reply #64 on: January 24, 2006, 13:31:06 »

 Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing
Good work Benj
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« Reply #65 on: January 24, 2006, 13:38:58 »

My sister once wrote a letter of praise to Cabury's saying how much she liked their chocolate, and in return they sent her a box set of Roald Dahl's entire biography!  Slayer

I love cadbury's, don't actually like chocolate that much, but i went to school in bournville by the factory and the air smells of chocolate  Two Thumbs
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« Reply #66 on: January 24, 2006, 13:54:34 »

My sister once wrote a letter of praise to Cabury's saying how much she liked their chocolate, and in return they sent her a box set of Roald Dahl's entire biography!  Slayer

WHAT?! And no Chocolate?! Cheapskates! What kid wants books?! PAH!  Wink

(Although I do reckon she was probably after a bit of chocolate too... was she dissappointed not to receive any?)

No, I think £40's worth of books seemed like a fair settlement.

Yeah... I s'pose she could always sell them on e-bay and buy chocolate with the money.
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« Reply #67 on: January 24, 2006, 17:12:56 »

Said driver was deaf to my admittedly unusual entreaties that he stop the bus and let me alight.

How could you 'alight' if you weren't on the bus?!

 NERD ALERT!


Yes, i also wondred this - otherwise a letter that Kingsley would have been proud to write.


I thought to alight meant get on or off?

anyway, it still makes sense b/c I would need to get on the bus before I got off it.  Two Thumbs
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« Reply #68 on: January 24, 2006, 17:23:21 »

I thought to alight meant get on or off?

It doesn't.

anyway, it still makes sense b/c I would need to get on the bus before I got off it.  Two Thumbs

It doesn't.








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« Reply #69 on: January 24, 2006, 18:19:23 »


It doesn't.


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« Reply #70 on: January 24, 2006, 18:33:41 »

te;db
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« Reply #71 on: January 24, 2006, 18:53:22 »

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« Reply #72 on: January 24, 2006, 19:26:21 »

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« Reply #73 on: January 24, 2006, 19:55:05 »

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« Reply #74 on: January 24, 2006, 20:14:44 »

Ha ha ha! I forgot about good ol' Daffyd.
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« Reply #75 on: September 27, 2006, 17:47:45 »

To whom it may concern,

I am writing to express my great dismay at the service I receive on FGW services between London and Bristol, in the hope that you will take on board my comments and make changes to your services accordingly.

I live in Bristol and work as a freelancer with clients all over the country, but find that most of my work comes out of London. As a result I frequently make trips between Bristol and London and am faced with ever-present bore of deciding how to make the journey; car, coach, and train being the most viable means. The factors in deciding which way to make the trip are: expense, speed, and ease of use. Usually National Express coaches win my custom as the Bristol Bus Station is a ten minute walk from my house and their reliability (in terms of meeting or beating scheduled arrival times) is high. Furthermore, there prices are acceptable to my budget. I am often faced with having to attend work in London that is scheduled at extremely short notice; were I to travel by train I would be faced with fares that, in my opinion, teeter on the brink of extortion. National Express, on the other hand offers me the opportunity to simply buy a ticket on the day, at their kiosk, and travel for around a fifth of the price of FGW equivalent service; a journey that allows me to disembark at Earl’s Court tube station, which (door to door) takes no more time than the same journey by train.

I was recently faced with circumstances that meant I had no other choice than to use your service between London and Bristol. A client asked me (at around 1700Hrs) that I be in London the next morning to work on their project. The couldn’t tell me whether it would be one or two days work. I checked with National Express and found that no morning services would get me in early enough, so I was faced with having to buy an open return from First Great Western. To my horror, this cost me £116. A fare equivalent to air-travel within Europe. I was prepared to pay this amount given that the work I was doing was for a new client, who would hopefully be providing work in the future. I was required to be with my client at 0900 – this should have been possible given that the 0700 service I caught was due to get in quarter of an hour before this. In the event the train (0700, 7th Sept) was subject to delays and I arrived over half an hour late, causing serious problems to our extremely tight schedule and great discontent with my client – one whom I had hoped to please. Furthermore, the train’s narrow aisles were packed with people standing making it  almost impossible to get to the buffet or even the toilets. When I did manage to force my way through the throng I returned to my seat to discover it had been taken…. The 
seat reservation I had asked to be made when I booked by phone, had not been made (or printed out) meaning I was seat-less for the last three-quarters of an hour. I completely fail to see how such service is worth the money I paid. On my return journey, it is worth noting that the buffet car had been cancelled – normally I wouldn’t use this customer-punishing, price-inflated, service but on this occasion I hadn’t had time to stop in the railway station so was forced to endure the journey without food or drink.

As a young persons railcard holder I was always glad to use trains as they were somewhat more affordable even when travelling last minute. I’ve enquired what might be available to me now (and I’m willing to pay) by way of discount card, and was informed by FGW employees that there is nothing. Other networks provide something for those of us who don’t fall into “OAP,” “family,” or “young persons” yet FGW clearly cares little about blanket-bombing its customers with high fare-prices. Your advanced booking discounts are woefully thin on the ground and seem to be of little use except for special trips planned way in advance; God forbid anyone should need flexibility in there life!

In short, FGW has great improvements to make before they win back my custom. I shall not make the mistake of relying on your service again to get me somewhere punctually (or affordably) – in future, when the coach fails to meet my needs, I’ll drive.

I would be grateful for your response as to how the service I experienced (above) justifies the price of £116. Any comment on what changes FGW might be making to improve service would also be welcomed.

Yours faithfully,




James Martin
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« Reply #76 on: September 27, 2006, 18:12:58 »


God forbid anyone should need flexibility inthere life!


 Tut Tut   Grin


letters of complaint are best though! think i may have to get on the case... now.. what do i hate?
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« Reply #77 on: September 27, 2006, 18:17:08 »

FGW are rubbish for anything with a deadline.
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« Reply #78 on: September 27, 2006, 18:18:58 »

Dear all at customer services,

I visited the virgin megastore in Bristol today to buy a couple of
Bach cds. I was pleased to notice that unlike most of the discs in
virgin - especially the jazz ones - they were reasonably priced. I was
also pleased that I was not kept waiting in a queue for very long at
all. So far so good. However, imagine my surprise when as my discs
were being scanned, the otherwise fairly amenable sales assistant
suddenly asked me if I would "like to pre-order the star wars trilogy
on DVD". I find this kind of aggressive sales pitch extremely
irritating, and it can't be much fun for a member of staff charged
with asking random members of the public such asinine and irrelevant
questions. I shudder to think what kind of abusive responses they get
from less enlightened members of modern British society, of which
there are many.
Should I visit another virgin outlet and be confronted with this
outrageous policy again, the company will find itself significantly
poorer, as I will be left with no choice but to suspend my generous
patronage of its stores and services.

Good day to you,

Ben Watson


id like to be asked if i wanted to pre order something what about people who want to be asked?  Doh! you didnt seriously send in this?  Bad Teeth Laughing
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« Reply #79 on: September 27, 2006, 18:21:29 »

Trains are a joke PERIOD.  Damn glad I own a car.  Last time I was thinking of getting a train somewhere (Leeds) I found it was quicker and much cheaper to hire a car for the weekend and drive.  Says it all really.
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« Reply #80 on: September 28, 2006, 10:43:36 »


God forbid anyone should need flexibility inthere life!


 Tut Tut   Grin


letters of complaint are best though! think i may have to get on the case... now.. what do i hate?

Not to worry - I spotted and changed all the typos my dyslexic mind generated.
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« Reply #81 on: October 12, 2006, 15:15:24 »

Dear National Express,

I recently wrote to First Great Western telling them how much work they have to do to win back my custom from National Express for the frequent trips I make between London and Bristol for my work. How Ironic then that the next two return NE trips I took, after posting the letter, gave me cause to reconsider.

I appreciate that at peak travel times National Express needs to contract outside coach companies to run extra services on certain routes. On the first of the trips I indicated above, an independent contractor’s coach was in the bay for the 040 service to Bristol from London Victoria. On approach, I was greeted by a National Express employee who, as he was checking my ticket, noted that I was carrying a paper bag of take-away sandwiches. He asked, in a most jovial manner, whether there was a hot beverage in the bag. I replied that there was not. This was followed by a slight pause followed by a request (polite and embarrassed) to see for himself. I obliged and was ushered onto the coach. As I was boarding, the utterly humourless (non-NE) driver said “and don’t go leaving it on there when you leave.” Now I appreciate that this manner of littering is undesirable and to be discouraged, but there are acceptable ways of communicating this. The driver-in-question’s manner was utterly accusing and delivered with a snarl not unworthy of a lazily-characterised cinema-villain. I was guilty until proven innocent. And so what if there was a hot-drink in my bag? I’ve run the risk of scolding myself on numerous car, coach, and train journeys, and so far have come out fine. The risk is mine, and one that I shoulder the responsibility for. Is a hot drink on a long journey not to permitted for fear of an ever litigious society? Surely some kind of disclaimer would return my right to endanger my palette and mouth!?

Sadly my tale does not end here. The drivers driving was frankly that of a road-hog boy-racer. If another road user failed to vacate the middle lane soon enough, or dared to drive to slowly he would accelerate towards them, flashing his lights, in order to make greater the sense of them holding him up. I have never experienced a coach trip with National Express that featured as much sudden, body jerking, braking. This is poor driving in a car-driver, but seems reckless in a coach-driver. Perhaps this is why I’m forbidden to take a hot drink aboard.

On my next trip I was again asked to board a coach that bore the marking of a firm other than National Express. In this case the driver was polite, and a safe road-user. However, the route he chose to drive out of London (on Sunday 8th Oct) was not the same as every other time I’ve made this trip – rather we travelled northeast further into central London, adding a half hour onto the journey by my estimation. Furthermore, as our journey neared it’s end, a mere 20 minutes from Bristol coach station, the driver pulled into a service station for a “10 minute” break that ended up being 15 minutes. On the countless national express journeys I have taken, this was the first time such a needless break was called. No fuel was taken on, it seemed only to be a leg-stretch. A total waste of time, that saw my frustration exacerbated by the proximity of our destination.

If National Express are going to contract services from other companies they should ensure that a code of conduct and quality of service is adhered to. I’d paid for the level of service I’d come to expect. This was not delivered. On my trip to London this week, I bit the bullet and travelled by train.

Yours faithfully,


James Martin
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« Reply #82 on: October 12, 2006, 16:34:49 »

I had an absolutely terrible train trip last weekend: I'm cooking up a little beauty that will make virgin trains wish they'd never been born, not that they can be born because they're a virgin anyway.  Smashed
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« Reply #83 on: October 12, 2006, 17:16:02 »

FTAO all senior management at virgin trains.....
 
 
Racists,
 
Much to my discomfitude, I have of late lost all my mirth. The cause being, unsurprisingly, your toffee shop of a train service. Why won't you die.
 
I was forced to avail myself of your expensive, slow, cramped service last weekend: Consider if you will my itinerary as advertised on your website timetable, which by the way looks as if it was cooked up by a primary school child on magic mushrooms, or possibly a bespectacled french exchange student with only a tangent grasp on reality:
 
depart Stafford 10.50am
 
change at Birmingham New Street
 
Birmingham New Street 11.40
 
arrive at Bristol Temple Meads 1pm
 
Imagine my surprise when my journey unfolded as follows
 
 
"No trains from Stafford today"
 
therefore: drive to Wolverhampton
 
Wolverhampton to Birmingham 45 minute journey
 
No trains running southwest from Birmingham: Rail replacement Bus to Cheltenham
 
arrive at Cheltenham to be informed by one of the local simpletons that there are "no trains running from cheltenham today, you should have gone to gloucester"
 
rail replacement bus to Gloucester
 
train from Gloucester to Bristol Temple Meads
 
 
this means that I had to change trains/buses/wheelbarrows/whatever else the fuck on FOUR seperate occasions. My journey should have lasted two and a half hours, instead it took five, you croutons.
 
Why I should expect - nay, resign myself - to pay over £40 pounds for this poll tax on wheels, forced to sit among screaming children, moronic teenagers, the obese, the mentally infirm, drunks and scousers (have you got some kind of quota policy on having annoying scousers on every train in the UK?)  is entirely beyond reasoning. O, what a rogue and peasant slave am I!

I am very pleased to inform you that I am in the process of buying a car and taking my driving test next month. I will be pleased to wave goodbye once and for all to your overpriced joke of an operation: it is little wonder that the only people who use your trains are those who have zero alternative. No fool in their right or wrong mind would choose to travel by train in the UK otherwise. I will be claiming my money back via letter from you corporate slags. I will use it to fund my RAC membership.
 
 
Yours in combat
 
B
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« Reply #84 on: October 12, 2006, 17:30:46 »

This thread gets better and better.  Laugh
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« Reply #85 on: October 12, 2006, 17:45:44 »

FTAO all senior management at virgin trains.....
 
 
Racists,
 
Much to my discomfitude, I have of late lost all my mirth. The cause being, unsurprisingly, your toffee shop of a train service. Why won't you die.
 
I was forced to avail myself of your expensive, slow, cramped service last weekend: Consider if you will my itinerary as advertised on your website timetable, which by the way looks as if it was cooked up by a primary school child on magic mushrooms, or possibly a bespectacled french exchange student with only a tangent grasp on reality:
 
depart Stafford 10.50am
 
change at Birmingham New Street
 
Birmingham New Street 11.40
 
arrive at Bristol Temple Meads 1pm
 
Imagine my surprise when my journey unfolded as follows
 
 
"No trains from Stafford today"
 
therefore: drive to Wolverhampton
 
Wolverhampton to Birmingham 45 minute journey
 
No trains running southwest from Birmingham: Rail replacement Bus to Cheltenham
 
arrive at Cheltenham to be informed by one of the local simpletons that there are "no trains running from cheltenham today, you should have gone to gloucester"
 
rail replacement bus to Gloucester
 
train from Gloucester to Bristol Temple Meads
 
 
this means that I had to change trains/buses/wheelbarrows/whatever else the fuck on FOUR seperate occasions. My journey should have lasted two and a half hours, instead it took five, you croutons.
 
Why I should expect - nay, resign myself - to pay over £40 pounds for this poll tax on wheels, forced to sit among screaming children, moronic teenagers, the obese, the mentally infirm, drunks and scousers (have you got some kind of quota policy on having annoying scousers on every train in the UK?)  is entirely beyond reasoning. O, what a rogue and peasant slave am I!

I am very pleased to inform you that I am in the process of buying a car and taking my driving test next month. I will be pleased to wave goodbye once and for all to your overpriced joke of an operation: it is little wonder that the only people who use your trains are those who have zero alternative. No fool in their right or wrong mind would choose to travel by train in the UK otherwise. I will be claiming my money back via letter from you corporate slags. I will use it to fund my RAC membership.
 
 
Yours in combat
 
B
Best. Post. EVER!!
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« Reply #86 on: October 12, 2006, 17:55:41 »

Brilliant!  Script I know who to come see when i have a complaint letter to write  Two Thumbs
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« Reply #87 on: October 12, 2006, 17:59:27 »

 Laughing Laughing Ah Ben, you leg end
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« Reply #88 on: October 12, 2006, 18:58:57 »

I thought I'd up the tone a bit and include a quote. See if you can spot it.  Wink
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« Reply #89 on: October 12, 2006, 20:00:41 »

People are like this everywhere, even in the world of videogames.

Dear Blizzard,

I am not happy with the way blah blah blah night elves blah blah dur dur hurrrrrrrr
If you don't change this I will be cancelling my subscription dur dur blahhhh
Take THAT!
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« Reply #90 on: October 14, 2006, 10:05:49 »

I thought I'd up the tone a bit and include a quote. See if you can spot it.  Wink
Withnail/Hamlet
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« Reply #91 on: October 14, 2006, 11:32:44 »

I thought I'd up the tone a bit and include a quote. See if you can spot it.  Wink
Withnail/Hamlet

that's one, yep, but there's another
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« Reply #92 on: October 14, 2006, 12:13:37 »

I thought I'd up the tone a bit and include a quote. See if you can spot it.  Wink
Withnail/Hamlet

that's one, yep, but there's another
Well there's two bits of hamlet in there....
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« Reply #93 on: October 14, 2006, 16:11:14 »

I soptted an Austen Powers Quote. Do I win something.
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« Reply #94 on: October 17, 2006, 22:19:24 »

I thought I'd up the tone a bit and include a quote. See if you can spot it.  Wink
Withnail/Hamlet

that's one, yep, but there's another
Well there's two bits of hamlet in there....

yes, almost enough for a village, arf
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« Reply #95 on: October 17, 2006, 23:02:21 »

Ben man that is your finest moment to date on the internet. I salute you.

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« Reply #96 on: January 09, 2007, 12:49:58 »

bump
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« Reply #97 on: March 19, 2008, 03:30:17 »

...and another bump. These are still funny as fuck.
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« Reply #98 on: March 19, 2008, 09:19:01 »

look how young and innocent you all were back then
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« Reply #99 on: March 19, 2008, 13:34:03 »

some good ones Cheesy
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« Reply #100 on: June 24, 2008, 00:16:48 »

Dear, dear Bristol City Council Parking Services,

Please feel free to sit yourselves down with a nice cup of tea and a few of the "taxpayer's cakes" that you seem to like to dot around your office. You may be here some time: I have a Pleiosaur's worth of bones to pick with you. Stand fast, Titinius! : we must out and talk.

Let us start at the beginning, with the root cause of my grievance, namely the atrocious public transport system in our fair city; shocking, appalling services run by rapacious private firms such as First, who must surely be investing some of their obscene profits into buying more cakes, biscuits and prostitutes for you flatulent apathetic croutons. Why else do you renew their contract every year?

"Fair enough" I thought to myself, and in a not uninspired move, divested myself of bus pass and invested in a bicycle with the intention of an environmentally amicable rapprochement between A and B in my daily commute, and latterly - oh what decadence! - a small car, to reach my workplace in North Somerset, where I travel but once a week.

Now I find to my displeasure that you are commencing stage 2 of your Kursk-esque pincer movement; a vendetta not against the motorist per se, but, it would seem, against anyone who has any need to travel any distance, anywhere, for anything at all, in the guise of a Parking Permit! I am all in favour of reducing traffic congestion in Bristol, so that your Merchant Venturer paymasters can Boris around the city in their Mercedes knocking over cyclists and pensioners, unencumbered by proles and plebs in ford fiestas, but I find the idea of paying for permission to park outside my own home entirely perverse. Furthermore, I am utterly sick of your neo-colonial style reductions of city centre parking under the aegis of "environmental issues" when in fact your apparatchiks aim to trouser my hard-earned sovereigns and then spend them on donuts. I will destroy you.

I feel strongly that transport racists such as your goat-bearded selves should be concentrating your recent surplus of - no doubt high blood sugar related - zeal on improving our utterly pathetic excuse for a bus service instead of punishing motorists for having the temerity to live in the city in which they pay council tax. Why not punish instead the commuter from the suburbs? Could it be a question of wealth and influence? Surely not.

Shame on you vile cowards.

Ride, ride, Messala, ride, and give these bills

Unto the legions on the other side.

Yours in cakes

Benjamin Isiah Van Nistelrooy.
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« Reply #101 on: June 24, 2008, 01:27:31 »

 Laughing Top form.
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« Reply #102 on: June 24, 2008, 06:59:37 »

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« Reply #103 on: June 24, 2008, 07:11:06 »

That is absolute fried gold.
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« Reply #104 on: June 24, 2008, 09:01:41 »

Nice work Ben, let us know the reply...
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« Reply #105 on: June 24, 2008, 10:47:08 »

'Boris' makes such a good verb.

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« Reply #106 on: June 24, 2008, 11:47:25 »

Dear Pork Farms,

I would just like to bring the following matter to your attention: your King Size Cheese & Onion Roll is quite possibly the blandest thing I've ever put in my mouth. And I've eaten a flour sandwich with no marge.

Pop down to the shops to purchase one yourself, if you'll indulge me, and I'm sure you'll find yourself sharing my £1.35-robbing experience. An experience which - flavour-wise - was akin to eating a sock containing a thin layer of loft insulation.

The texture of the filling also provoked a small amount of fear and confusion, resembling as it did the texture or powdery marzipan, coupled with the orangey glower of some menacing form of alien mind-putty. (Possibly.)

If this pastry tube of disappointment was the result of a manufacturing error, you may wish to check that the machine you use to make them has the 'FLAVOUR' knob set to the 'On' position.

If, on the other hand, something went awry at the Research & Development stage, I suggest you locate the rogue beige member of your taste-testing team (they will presumably be wearing a brown jumper and listening to Neil Young), and gently sack him/her for their crimes against exciting taste.

I seek no recompense, only to bring this terrifying lapse in quality to your attention, and hopefully to save future generations of fellow pasty fiends from dying of boredom with a mouthful of lunch.

Warmest regards,

Dan Muteki
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« Reply #107 on: June 24, 2008, 12:27:45 »

so freaking awesome, I had to log in to reply to it to say that it was so freaking awesome that i had to log in to reply to it to say that!
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« Reply #108 on: June 24, 2008, 13:34:10 »

 Laughing
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« Reply #109 on: June 24, 2008, 13:44:02 »

so freaking awesome, I had to log in to reply to it to say that it was so freaking awesome that i had to log in to reply to it to say that!

goodness me, I am honoured!
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« Reply #110 on: June 24, 2008, 14:02:43 »

BRAVO!!

An excellent addition to the bile filled mail they recieve by the dumper-load.

The Pork Farms one is also good.  Two Thumbs
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« Reply #111 on: June 24, 2008, 14:56:13 »

Ben! that is amazing!
strong work!
now if we could all follow suit and badger these bastards into giving up on their stupid scheme!

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« Reply #112 on: June 24, 2008, 14:58:23 »

there was a farmer who muck spread his local bank when they annoyed him...
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« Reply #113 on: June 24, 2008, 15:11:53 »

there was a farmer who muck spread his local bank when they annoyed him...



Tthis bloke?

He flung 18 tonnes of cow shit at a Natwest branch in Newcastle ... one way of venting I suppose
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« Reply #114 on: June 24, 2008, 15:13:31 »

This thread has something like 5 or 6 complaint letter written by the good Ben. Thats 5 or 6 more than I've ever managed to find time to write. In a lot of these letters Ben alludes to the fact that he has very little spare time, and he does not appreciate it being swallowed up by delayed public transport and other time-related grievances. My question, therefore, is where does such a busy man find the time to write so many very eloquent letters of complaint?
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« Reply #115 on: June 24, 2008, 15:13:58 »

I quite like this guys style ...

Quote
In 1995 Michael Howerd was charged £20 for a £10 overdraft on his bank account at Yorkshire Bank's Horsforth branch. The 30-year-old marketing consultant changed his name by deed poll to "Yorkshire Bank plc are Fascist Bastards", the name the bank had to use on a cheque repaying the residue of his account.
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« Reply #116 on: June 24, 2008, 15:16:10 »

 Laughing
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« Reply #117 on: June 24, 2008, 15:17:55 »

This thread has something like 5 or 6 complaint letter written by the good Ben. Thats 5 or 6 more than I've ever managed to find time to write. In a lot of these letters Ben alludes to the fact that he has very little spare time, and he does not appreciate it being swallowed up by delayed public transport and other time-related grievances. My question, therefore, is where does such a busy man find the time to write so many very eloquent letters of complaint?

On public transport, gotta love the blackberry  Two Thumbs
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« Reply #118 on: June 24, 2008, 15:18:08 »

I quite like this guys style ...

Quote
In 1995 Michael Howerd was charged £20 for a £10 overdraft on his bank account at Yorkshire Bank's Horsforth branch. The 30-year-old marketing consultant changed his name by deed poll to "Yorkshire Bank plc are Fascist Bastards", the name the bank had to use on a cheque repaying the residue of his account.

Thats a bit much, no? All for the sake of protesting at a bank, this man has let himself in for:

"Do you, Mary, take Yorkshire Bank Plc Are Fascist Bastards Howerd to be your lawfully wedded husband?"
"FUCKING HELL, is that your full name?!"
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« Reply #119 on: June 24, 2008, 15:19:01 »

This thread has something like 5 or 6 complaint letter written by the good Ben. Thats 5 or 6 more than I've ever managed to find time to write. In a lot of these letters Ben alludes to the fact that he has very little spare time, and he does not appreciate it being swallowed up by delayed public transport and other time-related grievances. My question, therefore, is where does such a busy man find the time to write so many very eloquent letters of complaint?

On public transport, gotta love the blackberry  Two Thumbs

Well aren't you just the regular man about town.  Bad Teeth
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« Reply #120 on: June 24, 2008, 15:21:19 »

"Do you, Mary, take Yorkshire Bank Plc Are Fascist Bastards Howerd to be your lawfully wedded husband?"
"FUCKING HELL, is that your full name?!"
his friends call him yorky though Wink
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« Reply #121 on: July 24, 2008, 10:29:09 »

Giles Coren vs The Times Sub Editors in a lovely example of the literary letter of complaint:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2008/jul/23/mediamonkey

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« Reply #122 on: January 28, 2009, 00:14:35 »

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/blog/editors_corner/article/11975/

This tickled me earlier.  Pimp
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« Reply #123 on: January 28, 2009, 08:51:45 »


That's brilliant. I particularly love the way he keeps addressing Richard
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« Reply #124 on: January 28, 2009, 09:09:05 »

flatulent apathetic croutons

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« Reply #125 on: January 28, 2009, 09:17:56 »

Quote
That cheese looked a lot like your baaji-mustard

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« Reply #126 on: January 28, 2009, 10:11:59 »


Quote
I'll try and explain how this felt. Imagine being a twelve year old boy Richard. Now imagine it's Christmas morning and you're sat their with your final present to open. It's a big one, and you know what it is. It's that Goodmans stereo you picked out the catalogue and wrote to Santa about.

Only you open the present and it's not in there. It's your hamster Richard. It's your hamster in the box and it's not breathing. That's how I felt when I peeled back the foil and saw this:

 Laughing Laughing Laughing
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« Reply #127 on: January 28, 2009, 10:18:10 »


 Laughing
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« Reply #128 on: January 28, 2009, 10:41:59 »


 Laughing brilliant!
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« Reply #129 on: January 28, 2009, 11:25:37 »

'passed the potatoes through the digestive tract of a bird'
and

'back street cookie'


mega LOL

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« Reply #130 on: January 28, 2009, 12:19:04 »


Quote
I'll try and explain how this felt. Imagine being a twelve year old boy Richard. Now imagine it's Christmas morning and you're sat their with your final present to open. It's a big one, and you know what it is. It's that Goodmans stereo you picked out the catalogue and wrote to Santa about.

Only you open the present and it's not in there. It's your hamster Richard. It's your hamster in the box and it's not breathing. That's how I felt when I peeled back the foil and saw this:

 Laughing Laughing Laughing

That man is ace Laughing
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« Reply #131 on: January 30, 2009, 09:05:10 »

Apparently "that man" is a figment of a PR's imagination:

Quote
Remember that Virgin Atlantic complaint email that did the rounds last week? Turns out it was a (SHOCK!) PR stunt dreamt up by WCRS designed to get Virgin in the news. Bummer.

http://www.holymoly.com/page/RandomDetail/0,,12643~1537988,00.html
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« Reply #132 on: January 30, 2009, 09:09:17 »

It got Virgin in the news, but how is that good PR? The only thing I can think of is that Branson supposedly then invited "the man" to visit their catering outfit and suggest improvements to be made to the menu...airline food is absolute gash regardless.

Oh and the dissing of the crap screens on the back of the seats, that doesn't make any PR sense at all... Smashed
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« Reply #133 on: January 30, 2009, 10:40:17 »

It got Virgin in the news, but how is that good PR? The only thing I can think of is that Branson supposedly then invited "the man" to visit their catering outfit and suggest improvements to be made to the menu...airline food is absolute gash regardless.

Oh and the dissing of the crap screens on the back of the seats, that doesn't make any PR sense at all... Smashed

 Script it's a crazy world, especially in marketing, so I guess it could be true - but it seems unlikely to me
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« Reply #134 on: February 01, 2009, 19:41:14 »

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« Reply #135 on: February 20, 2009, 15:45:59 »

This is a real reply from the Inland Revenue.

The Guardian newspaper had to ask for special permission to print it


Dear Mr Addison,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to
our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise.

I will address them, as ever, in order.

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging
letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This
is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy,
traditionally referred to such documents. Secondly, your frustration at our
adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited
daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst
I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would
cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate
banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision
to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little
ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the
senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that,
a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain,
with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in
your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted,
toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary
calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way
expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates
you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation,
whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem
to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing
whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for
example, "that box-ticking façade of a university system."

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries

1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins"on the envelope has to do with
the vagaries of the postal system;

2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrow of those with nothing
else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the
Personal allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics
involved would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish
to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that
even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in
India" you would still owe us the money.

Please send it to us by Friday.

Yours sincerely,

H J Lee

Customer Relations
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« Reply #136 on: February 20, 2009, 15:52:58 »

an old friend of mine works as a baliff now... he says that his company sometimes have to chase overseas debts but in reality all they can do is send letters saying "can we have the money please"
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« Reply #137 on: February 20, 2009, 15:55:36 »

^^

Very good. I bet that's the day CS reps live for - when their boss gives them the go-ahead to send letters like that.
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« Reply #138 on: February 20, 2009, 15:59:34 »

i love replying to arsey customers who've been a prick to me, especially when i get to inform them their account with us has been stopped.
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« Reply #139 on: February 20, 2009, 16:03:28 »

i found your email manner at chemical very much more free form than on here, as if i had unexpectedly roused you from your sleepytime to ask a question Wink
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« Reply #140 on: February 20, 2009, 16:07:27 »

i found your email manner at chemical very much more free form than on here, as if i had unexpectedly roused you from your sleepytime to ask a question Wink

it depends on how manic my days are....but i must admit that since taking on the equipment returns after Cheeba left works been pretty manic for me
i get a lot less time for chit chat and am constantly multi tasking. i do ten hour days once or twice a week just to keep ontop of the work load
so yes, i suppose sometimes i can appear a little more abrupt than i intend to

*violin orchestra plays in the background*
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« Reply #141 on: February 20, 2009, 16:08:46 »

i found your email manner at chemical very much more free form than on here, as if i had unexpectedly roused you from your sleepytime to ask a question Wink

it depends on how manic my days are....but i must admit that since taking on the equipment returns after Cheeba left works been pretty manic for me
i get a lot less time for chit chat and am constantly multi tasking. i do ten hour days once or twice a week just to keep ontop of the work load
so yes, i suppose sometimes i can appear a little more abrupt than i intend to

*violin orchestra plays in the background*

Maybe if you strip the orchestra down to a quartet you can have second and third violin, second and third viola and second cello give you a hand with your work?
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« Reply #142 on: February 20, 2009, 16:16:55 »

i found your email manner at chemical very much more free form than on here, as if i had unexpectedly roused you from your sleepytime to ask a question Wink

it depends on how manic my days are....but i must admit that since taking on the equipment returns after Cheeba left works been pretty manic for me
i get a lot less time for chit chat and am constantly multi tasking. i do ten hour days once or twice a week just to keep ontop of the work load
so yes, i suppose sometimes i can appear a little more abrupt than i intend to

*violin orchestra plays in the background*
no nooo, i more got a picture in my mind of you bleary eyed, confused and wondering what was going on Wink are you still working 6 day weeks? can they not hire a naive 18 year old boy glamourous assistant for you?
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« Reply #143 on: February 20, 2009, 16:25:55 »

i found your email manner at chemical very much more free form than on here, as if i had unexpectedly roused you from your sleepytime to ask a question Wink

it depends on how manic my days are....but i must admit that since taking on the equipment returns after Cheeba left works been pretty manic for me
i get a lot less time for chit chat and am constantly multi tasking. i do ten hour days once or twice a week just to keep ontop of the work load
so yes, i suppose sometimes i can appear a little more abrupt than i intend to

*violin orchestra plays in the background*

Maybe if you strip the orchestra down to a quartet you can have second and third violin, second and third viola and second cello give you a hand with your work?

But maybe she'd end up second fiddle to someone else...
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« Reply #144 on: February 20, 2009, 16:37:02 »

i found your email manner at chemical very much more free form than on here, as if i had unexpectedly roused you from your sleepytime to ask a question Wink

it depends on how manic my days are....but i must admit that since taking on the equipment returns after Cheeba left works been pretty manic for me
i get a lot less time for chit chat and am constantly multi tasking. i do ten hour days once or twice a week just to keep ontop of the work load
so yes, i suppose sometimes i can appear a little more abrupt than i intend to

*violin orchestra plays in the background*

Maybe if you strip the orchestra down to a quartet you can have second and third violin, second and third viola and second cello give you a hand with your work?

But maybe she'd end up second fiddle to someone else...

ba-dum! TISCH! *applause*
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« Reply #145 on: February 20, 2009, 19:57:45 »

i found your email manner at chemical very much more free form than on here, as if i had unexpectedly roused you from your sleepytime to ask a question Wink

it depends on how manic my days are....but i must admit that since taking on the equipment returns after Cheeba left works been pretty manic for me
i get a lot less time for chit chat and am constantly multi tasking. i do ten hour days once or twice a week just to keep ontop of the work load
so yes, i suppose sometimes i can appear a little more abrupt than i intend to

*violin orchestra plays in the background*

Maybe if you strip the orchestra down to a quartet you can have second and third violin, second and third viola and second cello give you a hand with your work?

But maybe she'd end up second fiddle to someone else...

LOL!! very good!! haha

no nooo, i more got a picture in my mind of you bleary eyed, confused and wondering what was going on Wink are you still working 6 day weeks? can they not hire a naive 18 year old boy glamourous assistant for you?
oh, i thought you meant i was grumpy.....which is always likely!!
it's all good, i like my job!! and i never do six day weeks, unless i owe them a day for some reason!
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« Reply #146 on: February 20, 2009, 20:04:01 »

oh ok i must have got the wrong end of the stick... thought you said something about not having a day off apart from sunday all year or something
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« Reply #147 on: February 21, 2009, 11:54:31 »

To all the good people at British Gas boiler services;

Bonjour motherfuckers,

Would you be so kind as to extricate your excessively large posteriors from your comfy office chairs, and come and fix my boiler? In the coldest month of the year, to live without central heating is not any sentient individual's idea of what consitutes fun. I realise that there is tea to be imbibed and day old copies of the Metro and The Beano to be perused, but as your star customer my needs come first, I must inform you.

What I dream of in Brown's Britain of 2009, is an engineer who has it within his limited mental capacities to speedily deliver himself in the direction of my "yard" in order to repair, for the third time this year, my consumptive incapacitated boiler. I would like this engineer to arrive - get this - on time, at a pre-appointed hour - none of this between 11 and 6 fuckery - and complete said task with speed and efficiency, and in such a way that it does not break down again. Is this really such a big ask of persons such as yourselves for whom boiler repair and maintenance is in fact a full time profession?

If this is not possible then unfortunately it will become necessary for me to kill you.

I look forward to your reply,

yours in anger

Benjamin Isiah Van Diesel
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« Reply #148 on: February 21, 2009, 11:56:20 »

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« Reply #149 on: February 21, 2009, 14:19:21 »

 Slayer

go ben!!
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« Reply #150 on: February 21, 2009, 14:53:12 »

To all the good people at British Gas boiler services;

Bonjour motherfuckers,

Would you be so kind as to extricate your excessively large posteriors from your comfy office chairs, and come and fix my boiler? In the coldest month of the year, to live without central heating is not any sentient individual's idea of what consitutes fun. I realise that there is tea to be imbibed and day old copies of the Metro to be perused, but as your star customer my needs come first, I must inform you.

What I dream of in Brown's Britain of 2009, is an engineer who has it within his limited mental capacities to speedily deliver himself in the direction of my "yard" in order to repair, for the third time this year, my consumptive incapacitated boiler. I would like this engineer to arrive - get this - on time, at a pre-appointed hour - none of this between 11 and 6 fuckery - and complete said task with speed and efficiency, and in such a way that it does not break down again. Is this really such a big ask of persons such as yourselves for whom boiler repair and maintenance is in fact a full time profession?

If this is not possible then unfortunately it will become necessary for me to kill you.

I look forward to your reply,

yours in anger

Benjamin Isiah Van Diesel


class  Laughing
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« Reply #151 on: February 21, 2009, 16:42:29 »


Bonjour motherfuckers,


This is without doubt the greatest opening of any letter........ever
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« Reply #152 on: February 21, 2009, 16:56:33 »


Bonjour motherfuckers,


This is without doubt the greatest opening of any letter........ever

Thanks, I must admit I'm pretty proud of that bit.
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« Reply #153 on: March 10, 2009, 13:26:01 »

A recent letter sent by one self (admittedly not to the sheer quality of Benj's letters) to C E X customer services.

Dear Corporate Fascists

I for one am tired of your intricate corporate schemes to outset further depression in this already 'Credit Crunched' era of Great Britain. Ploys of cheap second hand deals are no longer enough to affect my mindset towards this Emo-ridden travesty of a company.

I am no longer jaded by your cheap deals to look through rose-tinted spectacles as though I am suffering from severe Astigmatism. This is a corporate venture if ever I saw one. To employ the most Myopic staff available to the planet, with the combined brain power of an amoeba is simply shocking, and not just co-incidence. All dressed in what must be a dress-code of Emo-Fallout, with less customer service skills than a bunch of sloth’s brought down with a mixture of Narcolepsy, Alzheimer’s, ADHD AND general retardation is not just an accident. This is a carefully worked master-plan amongst your fat-cat board which has become all to apparent.

Coupled with the deafening tripe blaring across the speakers, I have noticed, nay, certified with the fact that you are tied within the music business. Which label you are tied to remains a mystery for me, but no shop without a serious take over plan would play such abominations as Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance, Blink 182 and Jimmy Eat World whilst painstakingly waiting in a 5 deep queue for half an hour only to be served by an ignorant cretin with the immediate plan of serving further misery to an already traumatized customer. Having been forced to listen to half an hours worth of sonic atrocities whilst standing in a queue, taking in the sights of chav-mums in the street, buses constantly breaking down, and other scenic panorama, only for my day-dreaming to be shattered in to a thousand pieces by the shrill whinging of some scrawny American crying about the break up of his friends girlfriend. Remember in cartoons, when a person sings in too high pitched a voice, and the mirror/glass breaks? It feels like that. I suppose most of your budget goes into the windows, so that they can be re-enforced and not break from these high-pitched atrocities. Also to stop customers from throwing themselves into said panes of glass.

Lest I digress.

After thirty minutes of pure misery served by a mixture of pure inability from your staff, alongside the worst Warner Bros. has to offer in terms of fingernails running against a blackboard (sorry, I meant music), I am greeted in often fantastic terms by your Nuclear fallout (sorry, staff). Such pinnacles of customer service have often been introduced with a rather heavily exaggerated sigh, followed by a hatred filled glare so blatant that one must have thought they had just envisioned Hitler conjoined with Peter Sutcliffe. After grumbling/barking 'What Do You Want?' they will make sure they further the disappointment of the customer, usually by offending them. Such greats include 'I'm not serving you, your too young' In which instance, I have pulled out valid ID declaring I'm 20, only for them to debate the existence of the 1st April 1988, and trying to convince me that I was actually born in a paradox, and that 1st April 1988 ever existed (though in more crude terms, such as 'F**k off, you weren't born then'). Another such instance occurred a few weeks later, when another employee, team leader no less, laughed at my ID and declared 'I looked like a girl', of which he managed to shout over some Warner Bros. employee shite whinging about his mate's girlfriend whilst having a cry-wank, to alert the whole store. Of which I find that offensive for two reasons. First being ever so slightly obvious, in the fact that you don't really expect to be insulted in front of the general public on an average shopping trip, and as a result, twas a tad annoyed. Secondly, I do not expect to be insulted by Chernobyl victims. If you have ever seen The Hills Have Eyes, bingo.

Having suffered depression for nigh on thirty minutes, I have found this whole shopping excursion too depressing, and seek to drown my sorrows with a pint or two.

So this is your ploy, you must be constantly having hand-shandies over the CCTV images from every store, as your customers line your pockets, before walking home in depression, only to buy emo music which you will have share in, or diverting to emo-pubs which will only serve pints of depression (so your probably tied with Scottish and Newcastle as well). I for one will not be allowing you to wank over images of my depressed self any longer.

Yours in Combat
Joseph Goldsworthy
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« Reply #154 on: March 10, 2009, 14:21:58 »

A recent letter sent by one self (admittedly not to the sheer quality of Benj's letters) to C E X customer services.

Dear Corporate Fascists

I for one am tired of your intricate corporate schemes to outset further depression in this already 'Credit Crunched' era of Great Britain. Ploys of cheap second hand deals are no longer enough to affect my mindset towards this Emo-ridden travesty of a company.

I am no longer jaded by your cheap deals to look through rose-tinted spectacles as though I am suffering from severe Astigmatism. This is a corporate venture if ever I saw one. To employ the most Myopic staff available to the planet, with the combined brain power of an amoeba is simply shocking, and not just co-incidence. All dressed in what must be a dress-code of Emo-Fallout, with less customer service skills than a bunch of sloth’s brought down with a mixture of Narcolepsy, Alzheimer’s, ADHD AND general retardation is not just an accident. This is a carefully worked master-plan amongst your fat-cat board which has become all to apparent.

Coupled with the deafening tripe blaring across the speakers, I have noticed, nay, certified with the fact that you are tied within the music business. Which label you are tied to remains a mystery for me, but no shop without a serious take over plan would play such abominations as Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance, Blink 182 and Jimmy Eat World whilst painstakingly waiting in a 5 deep queue for half an hour only to be served by an ignorant cretin with the immediate plan of serving further misery to an already traumatized customer. Having been forced to listen to half an hours worth of sonic atrocities whilst standing in a queue, taking in the sights of chav-mums in the street, buses constantly breaking down, and other scenic panorama, only for my day-dreaming to be shattered in to a thousand pieces by the shrill whinging of some scrawny American crying about the break up of his friends girlfriend. Remember in cartoons, when a person sings in too high pitched a voice, and the mirror/glass breaks? It feels like that. I suppose most of your budget goes into the windows, so that they can be re-enforced and not break from these high-pitched atrocities. Also to stop customers from throwing themselves into said panes of glass.

Lest I digress.

After thirty minutes of pure misery served by a mixture of pure inability from your staff, alongside the worst Warner Bros. has to offer in terms of fingernails running against a blackboard (sorry, I meant music), I am greeted in often fantastic terms by your Nuclear fallout (sorry, staff). Such pinnacles of customer service have often been introduced with a rather heavily exaggerated sigh, followed by a hatred filled glare so blatant that one must have thought they had just envisioned Hitler conjoined with Peter Sutcliffe. After grumbling/barking 'What Do You Want?' they will make sure they further the disappointment of the customer, usually by offending them. Such greats include 'I'm not serving you, your too young' In which instance, I have pulled out valid ID declaring I'm 20, only for them to debate the existence of the 1st April 1988, and trying to convince me that I was actually born in a paradox, and that 1st April 1988 ever existed (though in more crude terms, such as 'F**k off, you weren't born then'). Another such instance occurred a few weeks later, when another employee, team leader no less, laughed at my ID and declared 'I looked like a girl', of which he managed to shout over some Warner Bros. employee shite whinging about his mate's girlfriend whilst having a cry-wank, to alert the whole store. Of which I find that offensive for two reasons. First being ever so slightly obvious, in the fact that you don't really expect to be insulted in front of the general public on an average shopping trip, and as a result, twas a tad annoyed. Secondly, I do not expect to be insulted by Chernobyl victims. If you have ever seen The Hills Have Eyes, bingo.

Having suffered depression for nigh on thirty minutes, I have found this whole shopping excursion too depressing, and seek to drown my sorrows with a pint or two.

So this is your ploy, you must be constantly having hand-shandies over the CCTV images from every store, as your customers line your pockets, before walking home in depression, only to buy emo music which you will have share in, or diverting to emo-pubs which will only serve pints of depression (so your probably tied with Scottish and Newcastle as well). I for one will not be allowing you to wank over images of my depressed self any longer.

Yours in Combat
Joseph Goldsworthy

Wow, you really hate getting IDd. 

I once got IDd for 37p Morrisons paracetomol a few weeks before my 26th birthday.  If it weren't for the lack of supervisor around, I don't think the woman would have served me them despite having me having valid ID.  I found the whole thing so confusing I didn't even manage an eloquently worded letter of outrage.
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« Reply #155 on: March 10, 2009, 14:32:56 »

A recent letter sent by one self (admittedly not to the sheer quality of Benj's letters) to C E X customer services.

Dear Corporate Fascists

I for one am tired of your intricate corporate schemes to outset further depression in this already 'Credit Crunched' era of Great Britain. Ploys of cheap second hand deals are no longer enough to affect my mindset towards this Emo-ridden travesty of a company.

I am no longer jaded by your cheap deals to look through rose-tinted spectacles as though I am suffering from severe Astigmatism. This is a corporate venture if ever I saw one. To employ the most Myopic staff available to the planet, with the combined brain power of an amoeba is simply shocking, and not just co-incidence. All dressed in what must be a dress-code of Emo-Fallout, with less customer service skills than a bunch of sloth’s brought down with a mixture of Narcolepsy, Alzheimer’s, ADHD AND general retardation is not just an accident. This is a carefully worked master-plan amongst your fat-cat board which has become all to apparent.

Coupled with the deafening tripe blaring across the speakers, I have noticed, nay, certified with the fact that you are tied within the music business. Which label you are tied to remains a mystery for me, but no shop without a serious take over plan would play such abominations as Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance, Blink 182 and Jimmy Eat World whilst painstakingly waiting in a 5 deep queue for half an hour only to be served by an ignorant cretin with the immediate plan of serving further misery to an already traumatized customer. Having been forced to listen to half an hours worth of sonic atrocities whilst standing in a queue, taking in the sights of chav-mums in the street, buses constantly breaking down, and other scenic panorama, only for my day-dreaming to be shattered in to a thousand pieces by the shrill whinging of some scrawny American crying about the break up of his friends girlfriend. Remember in cartoons, when a person sings in too high pitched a voice, and the mirror/glass breaks? It feels like that. I suppose most of your budget goes into the windows, so that they can be re-enforced and not break from these high-pitched atrocities. Also to stop customers from throwing themselves into said panes of glass.

Lest I digress.

After thirty minutes of pure misery served by a mixture of pure inability from your staff, alongside the worst Warner Bros. has to offer in terms of fingernails running against a blackboard (sorry, I meant music), I am greeted in often fantastic terms by your Nuclear fallout (sorry, staff). Such pinnacles of customer service have often been introduced with a rather heavily exaggerated sigh, followed by a hatred filled glare so blatant that one must have thought they had just envisioned Hitler conjoined with Peter Sutcliffe. After grumbling/barking 'What Do You Want?' they will make sure they further the disappointment of the customer, usually by offending them. Such greats include 'I'm not serving you, your too young' In which instance, I have pulled out valid ID declaring I'm 20, only for them to debate the existence of the 1st April 1988, and trying to convince me that I was actually born in a paradox, and that 1st April 1988 ever existed (though in more crude terms, such as 'F**k off, you weren't born then'). Another such instance occurred a few weeks later, when another employee, team leader no less, laughed at my ID and declared 'I looked like a girl', of which he managed to shout over some Warner Bros. employee shite whinging about his mate's girlfriend whilst having a cry-wank, to alert the whole store. Of which I find that offensive for two reasons. First being ever so slightly obvious, in the fact that you don't really expect to be insulted in front of the general public on an average shopping trip, and as a result, twas a tad annoyed. Secondly, I do not expect to be insulted by Chernobyl victims. If you have ever seen The Hills Have Eyes, bingo.

Having suffered depression for nigh on thirty minutes, I have found this whole shopping excursion too depressing, and seek to drown my sorrows with a pint or two.

So this is your ploy, you must be constantly having hand-shandies over the CCTV images from every store, as your customers line your pockets, before walking home in depression, only to buy emo music which you will have share in, or diverting to emo-pubs which will only serve pints of depression (so your probably tied with Scottish and Newcastle as well). I for one will not be allowing you to wank over images of my depressed self any longer.

Yours in Combat
Joseph Goldsworthy

Wow, you really hate getting IDd. 

I once got IDd for 37p Morrisons paracetomol a few weeks before my 26th birthday.  If it weren't for the lack of supervisor around, I don't think the woman would have served me them despite having me having valid ID.  I found the whole thing so confusing I didn't even manage an eloquently worded letter of outrage.

It isn't the ID which gets me, just their inability to actually promote any level of customer service whatsoever

I get ID'd all the time Sad (especially when it is just rizla that I want to buy Cry )
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« Reply #156 on: March 10, 2009, 14:41:13 »

A recent letter sent by one self (admittedly not to the sheer quality of Benj's letters) to C E X customer services.

Dear Corporate Fascists

I for one am tired of your intricate corporate schemes to outset further depression in this already 'Credit Crunched' era of Great Britain. Ploys of cheap second hand deals are no longer enough to affect my mindset towards this Emo-ridden travesty of a company.

I am no longer jaded by your cheap deals to look through rose-tinted spectacles as though I am suffering from severe Astigmatism. This is a corporate venture if ever I saw one. To employ the most Myopic staff available to the planet, with the combined brain power of an amoeba is simply shocking, and not just co-incidence. All dressed in what must be a dress-code of Emo-Fallout, with less customer service skills than a bunch of sloth’s brought down with a mixture of Narcolepsy, Alzheimer’s, ADHD AND general retardation is not just an accident. This is a carefully worked master-plan amongst your fat-cat board which has become all to apparent.

Coupled with the deafening tripe blaring across the speakers, I have noticed, nay, certified with the fact that you are tied within the music business. Which label you are tied to remains a mystery for me, but no shop without a serious take over plan would play such abominations as Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance, Blink 182 and Jimmy Eat World whilst painstakingly waiting in a 5 deep queue for half an hour only to be served by an ignorant cretin with the immediate plan of serving further misery to an already traumatized customer. Having been forced to listen to half an hours worth of sonic atrocities whilst standing in a queue, taking in the sights of chav-mums in the street, buses constantly breaking down, and other scenic panorama, only for my day-dreaming to be shattered in to a thousand pieces by the shrill whinging of some scrawny American crying about the break up of his friends girlfriend. Remember in cartoons, when a person sings in too high pitched a voice, and the mirror/glass breaks? It feels like that. I suppose most of your budget goes into the windows, so that they can be re-enforced and not break from these high-pitched atrocities. Also to stop customers from throwing themselves into said panes of glass.

Lest I digress.

After thirty minutes of pure misery served by a mixture of pure inability from your staff, alongside the worst Warner Bros. has to offer in terms of fingernails running against a blackboard (sorry, I meant music), I am greeted in often fantastic terms by your Nuclear fallout (sorry, staff). Such pinnacles of customer service have often been introduced with a rather heavily exaggerated sigh, followed by a hatred filled glare so blatant that one must have thought they had just envisioned Hitler conjoined with Peter Sutcliffe. After grumbling/barking 'What Do You Want?' they will make sure they further the disappointment of the customer, usually by offending them. Such greats include 'I'm not serving you, your too young' In which instance, I have pulled out valid ID declaring I'm 20, only for them to debate the existence of the 1st April 1988, and trying to convince me that I was actually born in a paradox, and that 1st April 1988 ever existed (though in more crude terms, such as 'F**k off, you weren't born then'). Another such instance occurred a few weeks later, when another employee, team leader no less, laughed at my ID and declared 'I looked like a girl', of which he managed to shout over some Warner Bros. employee shite whinging about his mate's girlfriend whilst having a cry-wank, to alert the whole store. Of which I find that offensive for two reasons. First being ever so slightly obvious, in the fact that you don't really expect to be insulted in front of the general public on an average shopping trip, and as a result, twas a tad annoyed. Secondly, I do not expect to be insulted by Chernobyl victims. If you have ever seen The Hills Have Eyes, bingo.

Having suffered depression for nigh on thirty minutes, I have found this whole shopping excursion too depressing, and seek to drown my sorrows with a pint or two.

So this is your ploy, you must be constantly having hand-shandies over the CCTV images from every store, as your customers line your pockets, before walking home in depression, only to buy emo music which you will have share in, or diverting to emo-pubs which will only serve pints of depression (so your probably tied with Scottish and Newcastle as well). I for one will not be allowing you to wank over images of my depressed self any longer.

Yours in Combat
Joseph Goldsworthy

Wow, you really hate getting IDd. 

I once got IDd for 37p Morrisons paracetomol a few weeks before my 26th birthday.  If it weren't for the lack of supervisor around, I don't think the woman would have served me them despite having me having valid ID.  I found the whole thing so confusing I didn't even manage an eloquently worded letter of outrage.

It isn't the ID which gets me, just their inability to actually promote any level of customer service whatsoever

I get ID'd all the time Sad (especially when it is just rizla that I want to buy Cry )

Me to, it's the unfortunate price we pay for youthful looks.  Alas, when the knuckle dragging pram faces serving us are fourty they'll faces like a sun-dried baboon's arse and we'll still look in our 20's so chin up!  Two Thumbs
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« Reply #157 on: March 10, 2009, 14:45:20 »

A recent letter sent by one self (admittedly not to the sheer quality of Benj's letters) to C E X customer services.

Dear Corporate Fascists

I for one am tired of your intricate corporate schemes to outset further depression in this already 'Credit Crunched' era of Great Britain. Ploys of cheap second hand deals are no longer enough to affect my mindset towards this Emo-ridden travesty of a company.

I am no longer jaded by your cheap deals to look through rose-tinted spectacles as though I am suffering from severe Astigmatism. This is a corporate venture if ever I saw one. To employ the most Myopic staff available to the planet, with the combined brain power of an amoeba is simply shocking, and not just co-incidence. All dressed in what must be a dress-code of Emo-Fallout, with less customer service skills than a bunch of sloth’s brought down with a mixture of Narcolepsy, Alzheimer’s, ADHD AND general retardation is not just an accident. This is a carefully worked master-plan amongst your fat-cat board which has become all to apparent.

Coupled with the deafening tripe blaring across the speakers, I have noticed, nay, certified with the fact that you are tied within the music business. Which label you are tied to remains a mystery for me, but no shop without a serious take over plan would play such abominations as Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance, Blink 182 and Jimmy Eat World whilst painstakingly waiting in a 5 deep queue for half an hour only to be served by an ignorant cretin with the immediate plan of serving further misery to an already traumatized customer. Having been forced to listen to half an hours worth of sonic atrocities whilst standing in a queue, taking in the sights of chav-mums in the street, buses constantly breaking down, and other scenic panorama, only for my day-dreaming to be shattered in to a thousand pieces by the shrill whinging of some scrawny American crying about the break up of his friends girlfriend. Remember in cartoons, when a person sings in too high pitched a voice, and the mirror/glass breaks? It feels like that. I suppose most of your budget goes into the windows, so that they can be re-enforced and not break from these high-pitched atrocities. Also to stop customers from throwing themselves into said panes of glass.

Lest I digress.

After thirty minutes of pure misery served by a mixture of pure inability from your staff, alongside the worst Warner Bros. has to offer in terms of fingernails running against a blackboard (sorry, I meant music), I am greeted in often fantastic terms by your Nuclear fallout (sorry, staff). Such pinnacles of customer service have often been introduced with a rather heavily exaggerated sigh, followed by a hatred filled glare so blatant that one must have thought they had just envisioned Hitler conjoined with Peter Sutcliffe. After grumbling/barking 'What Do You Want?' they will make sure they further the disappointment of the customer, usually by offending them. Such greats include 'I'm not serving you, your too young' In which instance, I have pulled out valid ID declaring I'm 20, only for them to debate the existence of the 1st April 1988, and trying to convince me that I was actually born in a paradox, and that 1st April 1988 ever existed (though in more crude terms, such as 'F**k off, you weren't born then'). Another such instance occurred a few weeks later, when another employee, team leader no less, laughed at my ID and declared 'I looked like a girl', of which he managed to shout over some Warner Bros. employee shite whinging about his mate's girlfriend whilst having a cry-wank, to alert the whole store. Of which I find that offensive for two reasons. First being ever so slightly obvious, in the fact that you don't really expect to be insulted in front of the general public on an average shopping trip, and as a result, twas a tad annoyed. Secondly, I do not expect to be insulted by Chernobyl victims. If you have ever seen The Hills Have Eyes, bingo.

Having suffered depression for nigh on thirty minutes, I have found this whole shopping excursion too depressing, and seek to drown my sorrows with a pint or two.

So this is your ploy, you must be constantly having hand-shandies over the CCTV images from every store, as your customers line your pockets, before walking home in depression, only to buy emo music which you will have share in, or diverting to emo-pubs which will only serve pints of depression (so your probably tied with Scottish and Newcastle as well). I for one will not be allowing you to wank over images of my depressed self any longer.

Yours in Combat
Joseph Goldsworthy

Wow, you really hate getting IDd. 

I once got IDd for 37p Morrisons paracetomol a few weeks before my 26th birthday.  If it weren't for the lack of supervisor around, I don't think the woman would have served me them despite having me having valid ID.  I found the whole thing so confusing I didn't even manage an eloquently worded letter of outrage.

It isn't the ID which gets me, just their inability to actually promote any level of customer service whatsoever

I get ID'd all the time Sad (especially when it is just rizla that I want to buy Cry )

Me to, it's the unfortunate price we pay for youthful looks.  Alas, when the knuckle dragging pram faces serving us are fourty they'll faces like a sun-dried baboon's arse and we'll still look in our 20's so chin up!  Two Thumbs

Supposing that the alcohol doesn't catch up with us first Smashed
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« Reply #158 on: April 11, 2009, 19:05:16 »

To Spyglass Restaurant

To whom it may concern

After awaking this morning and drawing back the curtains I was delighted to be basked in warm sunshine under blue, blue skies, all topped off with clouds as delicate as powdered sugar.  What a perfect day for a treat I thought, maybe a nice spot of lunch.  After striding cheerfully into town and browsing the various options, my wife and I settled on Spyglass.  In hindsight we realise that this was a terrible mistake. 

After being seated in the sunshine and with a half-tidy view of the local swans our waitress took our order: a Cubano burger, a Spyglass burger with Chorizo, two pints of Birra Mooretti and two glasses of tap water.  I feel the need to repeat this now as it will become something of a running theme as my emailed tale unfolds.  So far, so good. 

25 minutes later, the member of staff that served us initially appeared to have fallen into a waitress shaped black-hole never to be seen again (at our table at least), along with our drinks.   Apparently alerted to our confused and thirsty looks, a slightly more authoritative figure approached, presumably to find out why we’d been staring so longingly at the bar for the best part of half an hour and to rectify any mistakes made by his waiting staff.  After repeating our food and drinks order we sank back into our sun-drenched chairs safe in the knowledge that our refreshing beverages would shortly be with us, swiftly followed by some tasty morsels.  Oh cruel fate, why did you continue to tease us?

15 minutes later; still no refreshment (and with more annoyed and thirsty looks) we again turn our heads bar-wards, this time attracting the attention of a tall, shaven-headed (Polish ?) man.  I draw attention to him as he’s the only person amongst your half-witted staff that made any attempts to; (a) bring us our drinks and; (b) apologise for any inconvenience in a sincere manner.  Finally, drinks are on their way.  Once again, to the tall man’s credit, the drinks appear (and they’re free) and he apologises for the mix up and takes our order for the third time. 

So, 45 minutes into our Spyglass dining (I say this in the loosest sense) experience, we’ve just gotten our drinks whilst those around us who’d arrived some time after are chowing down on delicious looking grub. 

Another 20 minutes go by and still no food.  Having ordered once, twice, three times I’m now convinced I could have impregnated my lady, raised a child for 18 years, sent him/her to bar-tending and chef school in the meantime raising and slaughtering cows, planting salad vegetables and setting up our own micro-brewery and we’d still have gotten our food and drink quicker than if we’d have waited in your shambolic excuse for a restaurant.   It was then that we decided to leave though before we did, my wife decided that she’d inform the authoritative man (who we assumed was some kind of manager) of this fact and why.  His eloquent response to our politely raised concerns; “oh, are you the couple that were sat in the corner?  Sorry about that.”

I must commend you on the atrocious levels of service as I’ve never been inclined to write a letter of complaint before, even having bore witness an unwholesome variety of feckless ineptitude in the past.  Unlike my hour or so hunger-filled lunchtime at Spyglass, I’ve actually enjoyed writing this.

Yours faithfully





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« Reply #159 on: April 11, 2009, 20:21:37 »


  Having ordered once, twice, three times I’m now convinced I could have impregnated my lady, raised a child for 18 years, sent him/her to bar-tending and chef school in the meantime raising and slaughtering cows, planting salad vegetables and setting up our own micro-brewery and we’d still have gotten our food and drink quicker than if we’d have waited in your shambolic excuse for a restaurant. 



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« Reply #160 on: April 12, 2009, 12:45:09 »


Leon Eggbeer





Your real name is Eggbeer? Amazing. Who the hell came up with that one? Your ancestor was some sort of mad scientist who tried fermenting eggs into an alcoholic drink?


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« Reply #161 on: April 12, 2009, 12:50:20 »


Leon Eggbeer





Your real name is Eggbeer? Amazing. Who the hell came up with that one? Your ancestor was some sort of mad scientist who tried fermenting eggs into an alcoholic drink?



I'd like to think so.  If he/she had any success I can't imagine it was very tasty though.

It's actually Devonshire.  There are three places on Dartmoor with the name. 
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« Reply #162 on: April 13, 2009, 09:31:00 »

I've been hearing really bad things about Spyglass recently, sounds like it has gone down the shitter
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« Reply #163 on: April 13, 2009, 10:52:29 »


Leon Eggbeer


Your real name is Eggbeer? Amazing. Who the hell came up with that one? Your ancestor was some sort of mad scientist who tried fermenting eggs into an alcoholic drink?

I'd like to think so.  If he/she had any success I can't imagine it was very tasty though.

It's actually Devonshire.  There are three places on Dartmoor with the name. 

i'd like to think the 'surname was your ancestors job hundreds of years ago' thing doesn't apply to mine.
if it does then i really have no idea what my ancestors did for a living

my surname is Pooley
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« Reply #164 on: April 13, 2009, 10:55:59 »


Leon Eggbeer


Your real name is Eggbeer? Amazing. Who the hell came up with that one? Your ancestor was some sort of mad scientist who tried fermenting eggs into an alcoholic drink?

I'd like to think so.  If he/she had any success I can't imagine it was very tasty though.

It's actually Devonshire.  There are three places on Dartmoor with the name. 

i'd like to think the 'surname was your ancestors job hundreds of years ago' thing doesn't apply to mine.
if it does then i really have no idea what my ancestors did for a living

my surname is Pooley
 Undecided


Pooley? thats that old guy who what dug them pools in bath init?


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« Reply #165 on: April 14, 2009, 20:45:10 »

Complaint win!  Slayer  Not sure about the use of the word "atrocities" though, makes it sound like I'd insuinuated they'd commited genocide in my name or something.  Generally a nice response, given that I was expecting none and especially so after the sarcastic tone of my correspondence.  Big up the manager of Spyglass.

Dear Leon,

I would like to start off with a full and frank apology for the service (or lack there of) you received on your recent visit to Spyglass.

I whole heartedly accept responsibilty for the atrocities that occured and implied you to write a letter of complaint.  Although I wasnt actually present in the restaurant at the time of your visit, the full impact of your complaint rests upon my ability to employ, train and develop every member of staff that works here.

I respect your intelligence enough to not try and fob you off with any excuses, as it is my belief that there is no excuse for bad service.  However I would like to send you a voucher to cover the cost of your meal (had it ever made it to your table) and invite you back to Spyglass to see if we can't put right a few wrongs.

I would ask then if by return you could send me your home address so I can send said voucher in the post.

Once again I would like to extend my fullest apology for your bad experience and look forward to seeing you in the near future.

Kind regards
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« Reply #166 on: April 15, 2009, 08:05:23 »

implied you to write a letter

?
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« Reply #167 on: April 15, 2009, 09:25:57 »


Yeah, I didn't get that either.  Surely 'compelled' would be the word.
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« Reply #168 on: April 15, 2009, 10:03:12 »

an unwholesome variety of feckless ineptitude




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« Reply #169 on: March 03, 2010, 15:48:04 »

Dear Sir / Madam

I return from a nearby Barclays branch fatigued, a result of repeated but fruitless efforts to persuade your colleagues of my identity. This follows an unfortunate incident during a telephone call to Barclaycard, when I was informed that I do not know my own telephone number. This came as a surprise, as I was making the call from the number in question.

Despite presenting my driving licence, Barclaycard statement and payslip at the branch, I understand this is not sufficient to have a replacement card sent to me. The problem stems from the fact that my licence shows an old address. Your colleague suggested I pay for a new driving licence. Alas, I am reluctant to go down this road. I am a man of impulse, and who knows when I should move home again?

I am informed that this administrative hurdle cannot be overcome, despite my payslip and statement showing the address you have had on record since I opened the account. It is unfortunate that I do not have any utilities statements as requested. One can only speculate as to how I would have obtained my Barclaycard statement were I not in residence at the address you have on record? The mind boggles.

This is a conundrum for sure. I recently paid off my balance, leaving me with large amounts of credit desperate to be used. But without a card my account is useless, indeed I am unable to make the balance transfer I so wish. Not only this, but I now understand I am unable to close my account? I can’t use my account, but I can’t express my desire to not use it either. Indeed, my monthly statements will continue to be sent to the address that you do not believe is mine for all eternity.

It is a paradoxical situation for sure.

I would be grateful if you could contact me (given the events that led to this complaint, I humbly suggest using the phone number at the bottom of this letter). I would merely like a new card, or to close my account. I will leave the choice to you, although I would really prefer the former. Most people would have given up attempting to furnish your company with regular interest payments some time ago, but I am a forgiving individual.
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« Reply #170 on: March 03, 2010, 15:57:17 »

My little bro wrote some legendary letters of complaint about some of the silliest things once, and actually got responses...

Ill see if he's still got em, from what i remember they were pretty funny  Two Thumbs
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« Reply #171 on: March 04, 2010, 12:23:00 »

Dear Sir / Madam

I return from a nearby Barclays branch fatigued, a result of repeated but fruitless efforts to persuade your colleagues of my identity. This follows an unfortunate incident during a telephone call to Barclaycard, when I was informed that I do not know my own telephone number. This came as a surprise, as I was making the call from the number in question.

Despite presenting my driving licence, Barclaycard statement and payslip at the branch, I understand this is not sufficient to have a replacement card sent to me. The problem stems from the fact that my licence shows an old address. Your colleague suggested I pay for a new driving licence. Alas, I am reluctant to go down this road. I am a man of impulse, and who knows when I should move home again?

I am informed that this administrative hurdle cannot be overcome, despite my payslip and statement showing the address you have had on record since I opened the account. It is unfortunate that I do not have any utilities statements as requested. One can only speculate as to how I would have obtained my Barclaycard statement were I not in residence at the address you have on record? The mind boggles.

This is a conundrum for sure. I recently paid off my balance, leaving me with large amounts of credit desperate to be used. But without a card my account is useless, indeed I am unable to make the balance transfer I so wish. Not only this, but I now understand I am unable to close my account? I can’t use my account, but I can’t express my desire to not use it either. Indeed, my monthly statements will continue to be sent to the address that you do not believe is mine for all eternity.

It is a paradoxical situation for sure.

I would be grateful if you could contact me (given the events that led to this complaint, I humbly suggest using the phone number at the bottom of this letter). I would merely like a new card, or to close my account. I will leave the choice to you, although I would really prefer the former. Most people would have given up attempting to furnish your company with regular interest payments some time ago, but I am a forgiving individual.


You should probably know that if you get caught with a driving licence not registered at your actual address, you might get fined £1000.
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« Reply #172 on: March 04, 2010, 12:32:59 »

You should probably know that if you get caught with a driving licence not registered at your actual address, you might get fined £1000.

Yup, found that out shortly after I faxed the letter. Have swiftly applied to get it changed. Of course this also means I have fuck all grounds for complaint against Barclaycard so I might just claim someone has been trying extremely hard to steal my identity.

Tip: Always wait a day before sending sarcastic emails/letters, it probably won't seem like such a good idea.

Doh!  Laugh
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« Reply #173 on: March 04, 2010, 19:48:51 »

Loving this thread!
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« Reply #174 on: July 31, 2010, 15:19:16 »

Going straight to the top this time.


"Dear Mr David Call Me Dave Cameron,

I find myself today moved to write to you on a matter of great urgency, namely that of the future of the UK's public services and therefore, its strong, brave, noble people. Our revels are now ended. I am referring, you will no doubt eventually fathom, to Tory Cuts (notice the absence of the 'N' - at this stage, I am prepared to be reasonable.)

Since that black day when the excellent dumb discourse of your rapacious polyester Bullingdonian mob sneakily inveigled you into power in your Liberal Democrat Trojan horse, it has come to my attention that persons such as myself, an ordinary UK resident, are under attack. This attack comes in the form of a sustained assault on such admittedly trivial bourgeois fripperies as healthcare, education and shit like that. I hath given my empire up to a whore.

Imagine my total lack of surprise when you and your fellow buttock-faced public school boy wonder sidekick announced, to a lickspittle meek and complicit media, through expendable intermediary tossers such as Michael Gove (who has achieved the feat of being even uglier and more irritating than you) your intention to gut the public sector in the name of "saving the economy". This was the most unkindest cut of all. Britain's fair citizens will rejoice at the sacrifices they have made so that gits in suits can fly their helicopters over Canary Wharf unabated. I personally will relish losing my job, home, access to healthcare, education for my unborn children and so on, if it will help Lord Ashcroft build an airport on St Helena to better enjoy his holidays there. Will all great Neptune's ocean wash this blood clean from your hand?

As you can see I've got you on the ropes here. Not to worry Dave! I have composed a three point plan for you and your slobbering hunchbacked minions, to ensure continuing success. Cheques to the usual address please, I'm sure your old Etonian chums in MI6 know where I live.

1) Make Turkey Invade Iran

2) Say we can't afford the NHS or schools because there's a war on

3) Sit back and count the money. Also be sure to compare the UK's economy to Tesco when engaged in 'heated debates'. After all, they have a lot in common.


Please find below my alternative plan - you can have this one for free.

1) Kill Nick Clegg

2) Kill yourself

3) Kill yourself and Nick Clegg


You have not heard the last of this Dave.

Yours in Combat,

Benjamin Guevara."
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[flash=800,80]   forward for this by benjblackmore [/flash]
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« Reply #175 on: July 31, 2010, 16:05:26 »

I really hope you actually sent this letter.
The sign off alone is great and must surely technically amount to something that will generate hilarious "terrorist" charges. Nice work as always.
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« Reply #176 on: July 31, 2010, 18:46:12 »

Both superb and a delight to read, as ever. Thanks Ben.
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« Reply #177 on: October 26, 2010, 17:57:52 »

A little long I admit, but there's a pleasing peaks and troughs structure with a rousing crescendo.

--//--

Sirs,

Ours is digital age, in which a broadband internet connection is considered a requirement for a reasonable standard of living; something with which I’m sure you would agree. And why so, should one sacrifice this basic standard of living whilst availing oneself of the hospitality of a hotel, let alone one which one caters for the business world? A world, indeed, whose wheels are greased by the World Wide Web! These are not, of course, the musings of an enquiring mind which I have simply chosen to share with your good selves for the benefit of general discourse; rather the crux of a matter which has caused me much vexation.

I recently took lodgings with Manchester Marriott Victoria and Albert, a well-appointed and fine establishment in many respects. It was whilst a guest that I found myself faced with a situation which saw me needing to download a video file (measuring 127 megabytes in size) which I required for my next day’s work. I had my laptop, and your hotel offered me a variety of ways of connecting to the internet. The problem, on first inspection, seemed slight. However, upon trying to use the free wireless connection available in the hotel “lounge” I was confronted by transfer speeds which were, frankly put, inadequate for the task. But what fortune to discover hotel propaganda notifying me that better connectivity could be found in my hotel room! “High Speed Connection,” it said. “Ideal for transferring large files,” it claimed. So to my room! But, alas, here our tale takes a sad and sickening turn. I connected my laptop with the ethernet cable provided: rank portent of coming woe, my web browser struggled to access the greeting page of your internet service, requiring no less than five refreshes and a reboot. But when finally the page vested it’s content, I was confronted with something that still visits me in visions by night, chilling my blood. For the privilege of accessing this much feted service, I was to be relived of six pounds.

Six pounds, Sirs, for one hour.

My first stupefied thoughts were that perhaps the beef-witted annex of your corporate structure which cooked-up this abomination of price structure posseses a groundless hatred for the public, or simply that it views guests as well-pastured cash cows to be cruelly, vigorously, and relentlessly milked. Regardless, my situation left me with no option but to proceed with the transaction.

I left my computer to download the file I needed, and turned the television on. An on-screen menu offered me TV, radio, films, and “adult” content. It immediately struck me: of course, with reasonably priced internet connection in guests’ rooms, Messers Marriott would never sell another pornographic film. After all, why would any sane pornofile pay to see a hotel’s offerings of relatively santitised smut, when the web offers anything their highly capable imagination can dream up, for free. It must be, I thought, that pornography is the very cornerstone of Marriott’s business plan for it to be guarded it with such frothing fanaticism. And so, after a few minutes of Newsnight’s calming sobriety, I returned to my laptop to check the progress of my download, only to discover that the horror was to continue. I’m duty-bound to inform you that by today’s standard, 127MB is not an overly large file. And even if it is bigger than the anticipated needs of your average guest, what was “ideal” for large files should have been “adequate” for mine. But no, the estimated download time lay beyond the limits of that six-pounded hour.

Aghast. This is the word I chose to describe my feelings at the time, as more florid a description would likely lead to a visit from Special Branch. Simply put, the evening’s compounded insults had rendered my sanity the proverbial camel’s loaded back, providing me with a rare and disturbing glimpse into the mindset of someone who visits a shopping mall with an assault-rifle intent on gunning down innocents and perfect strangers in retaliation to the spiteful and unjust joke that is life.

Doubtless, I do not need to tell you that henceforth my custom can no longer be considered yours, and that the reasoning behind Marriott’s hateful campaign against reasonably-priced access to internet connections, of even vaguely twenty-first century speeds, remains opaque.

Yours dumbfounded,
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« Reply #178 on: October 26, 2010, 19:11:42 »

that sir is a grade A letter of complaint, I really hope they reply with something better than the standard copy and paste response
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« Reply #179 on: October 26, 2010, 19:29:46 »

I've been hearing really bad things about Spyglass recently, sounds like it has gone down the shitter

it hasn't got any better in the past year, I walked out before being served in the summer
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« Reply #180 on: November 24, 2011, 11:02:55 »

I'll be quick to state that my letter writing has got better, but Bejn is the king. BT have wound me up as a new customer already. tl;dr etc

Quote
Good morning, I have only just become a customer of yours and am already thinking I've made the wrong decision. I shall start at the beginning, I guess that makes sense and all.

Firstly, I ordered the broadband/phone/TV bundle online and specified that all items should be delivered to my work address. This included two cordless phones, due to be delivered 23rd November, yesterday.

I got a confirmation email the day after I ordered stating all items will be delivered to my home address. I promptly phoned to discuss and the lady told me that she couldn't amend any of the order address details whatsoever unless it was within 20 minutes of when I ordered. I was annoyed but could cope with it, as I could pick the phones up this weekend from the local Post Office or Parcelforce dept, not ideal as I generally like to enjoy my weekend but I can deal with that.

My other half then went out of her way to take annual leave and swap shifts with colleagues etc to ensure someone was in to take delivery of the Home Hub and Vision+ box which was due to arrive next Tuesday, 29th November. I won't lie to you, she was majorly excited that we could step into the 20th Century and have Internets, and even watch on demand TV. With Her Majesty's BT!

I then got a phone call yesterday (23rd November) informing me that the Openreach engineer cannot make the 29th and now will activate at the exchange on the 30th. "Not a problem." said I, "You can deliver on the 29th when my other half is in and when activated the next day, we can put the relevant kit in place.". The lady said it wasn't possible, so said BT would just deliver the kit the next day if there was somewhere safe to leave it or to leave with the neighbours. Well, seeing as I've never met my new neighbours, that would have made for an awkward time, so I then insisted that they NEED to be sent to my place of work. Well, quelle surprise, the lady I spoke to COULD make the change on the system. I am now technically getting this sent to my place of work, although I'm not banking on it getting here.

The reason I say this is that the phones were supposed to arrive yesterday at my home address. I got home before 6pm, expecting a) to see something dropped on my doorstep in plain view of the High Street, b) a note through the door stating that it was returned to the depot/left with a neighbour or c) a knock on the door by one of the cheerful fellows at Parcelforce with a box in their hand.

Need I say that I had experienced none of the above? I then dialled onto the Parcelforce website to see what was agwan, and someone called J Staples had signed for it. Yay! J Staples signed for my package! Oh, wait, I don't have a clue who that is. No note through my door saying, "Oh hai, BTW your lovely new neighbours at no X have signed for your package and are currently probably selling it down the pub". Not a sausage. I then had to knock on the door next-door-but-one (there was a cryptic number 5 next to the signature, unless their name is 5 J Staples and they are the cool kids on the block). No-one was in, the lights are off. Maybe they've sold them and decided to go on a Sun special 2-for-1 holiday to Margate. I hear it’s quite nice this time of year.

Either way I'm appauled with the service so far and have very little confidence that the rest of this is going to go very well. You guys are hugely expensive, unfortunately I couldn't get Virgin Media so it was yourselves or Sky. Everyone told me to avoid BT at all costs - I just laughed it off and thought they were being Virgin Media/Sky fanboys. I'm starting to think that I should listen to those “in the know” a little bit more.

Anyway, so to summarise:

1) Your website doesn't work. Specified delivery addresses don't register.
2) Your staff send mixed messages. Either they can't be arsed to help or they don't know what they're doing.
3) Parcelforce are incompetent fuckwits who should be given a swift kick in the balls.
4) My other half now has taken unnecessary annual leave for no reason.
5) I am having to turn down out of hours work because I cannot be sure when it's all going to get sorted.

I never had these problems with Virgin Media or Sky - I have been contacted on a few occasions by the latter to see if there are any deals I would consider in order to return. I am starting to entertain the idea after these experiences of poor service in the early stages. After all, they do have Sky Atlantic HD among others. There aren't many incentives that would actually keep me with BT instead of Sky - they even have Sky Movies. All you offer is free ESPN and to pay through the nose for Sky Sports. Oh and pay an extra £10 on top for a card you should really just be bundling in with the Vision box.

Forgive me for the wordy letter, however there are plenty of issues that have already arisen and I've only just had my phone line activated. I know it works because I have plugged in a chunky old work phone which dials out. That's one thing BT have actually done correctly, so muchos kudos to yourselves.

Ideally, I would like you to do the following:

1) Assure me that the remaining items will be delivered to my work address, and on time.
2) Give Parcelforce the hairdryer treatment/never use them again. At the very least tell them to start leaving cards through the door, it’s not much to ask for.
3) Reimburse the activation fee, delivery and viewing card costs (I guess this comes to around £56 or thereabouts). This has cost a lot more in time spent taking annual leave, composing this complaint in working hours (cheers for the backlog I’ve accumulated) and turning down additional working from home capabilities. This coupled with the fact I have to now go on an Easter egg hunt around my neighbourhood to see who has our phones does not fill me with joy. I'm not Keith Chegwin, Danny Baker or Shane Richie. Nor do I wish to be.
4) Offer some kind of incentive to actually stay with BT instead of going to Sky. I have Sky's number and they are pretty quick to reinstate customers who wish to return within two years, Jimmy in Glasgow assured me of that.

Alternatively, if you could let me know a little bit more about the cooling off period, I can get the ball rolling.

I look forward to hearing from you very soon.

Kind Regards,

Evs
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« Reply #181 on: November 24, 2011, 11:13:59 »

why write so much?

Dear BT,

I have attempted to sign up to services xyz.

Nothing that was agreed has arrived when it should and my household has been inconvenienced greatly.

Either BT refunds all charges or rectifies this ASAP and considers a good will gesture of 2 months charges for inconvenience.

Regards

Angry Evs
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« Reply #182 on: November 24, 2011, 11:17:09 »

It soothes the soul
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« Reply #183 on: November 24, 2011, 11:18:10 »

"I'm not Keith Chegwin, Danny Baker or Shane Richie. Nor do I wish to be."

 Laughing
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« Reply #184 on: November 24, 2011, 12:21:29 »

"I'm not Keith Chegwin, Danny Baker or Shane Richie. Nor do I wish to be."

 Laughing


Best line!
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« Reply #185 on: November 30, 2011, 15:40:14 »

I now have all the bits I needed after a few badgering phone calls and just got this gem back.

Quote
Dear Mr Evans,

Thank you for your email.

I am so sorry that you have found it necessary to complain to BT, I do understand why you were so frustrated.

I am pleased that the phones finally made their way to you without a Keith Chegwin, Danny Baker or Shane Richie style hunt, and I am truly sorry for the inconvenience you were caused. I will raise this with our team that liase with Parcel Force so that they can provide feedback on your behalf.

There has been an issue with the royal mail website, so I have been unable to track your parcel to ensure correct delivery, however your work address is showing on our system as the requested address and today the tracking number shows that your parcel has been delivered. If there has been any further problems with this please let me know and I will add it to our internal investigation.

I am also truly sorry that your partner had to use annual leave in order to wait for the much anticipated equipment, I can imagine she was very disappointed. It is always our aim to ensure customers are happy with their services and it is disappointing that we failed in this instance. For this reason I am happy to meet your request of a £56.00 credit if you are happy to accept this as final resolution to your complaint.

Please let me know in your response if your equipment was delivered as you expected, and if you are happy to accept the credit I have offered.

Thank you for contacting BT.

Yours sincerely,

Samantha Vickers

BT Resolution Team

Complaints Advisor

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« Reply #186 on: November 30, 2011, 15:41:22 »

Oh, and it would be rude for me not to post this recent letter I sent to everyone's favourite bus operator.

Quote
Dear First Bus,

Firstly I’d just like to say I love your TV advert, it’s so fresh and happy and really fills me with joy when I see it on the telly. What with all those annoying Iceland Christmas ads with that X Factor reject “partying like a celebrity”, give over.

Anyway, I digress. I mean, who wouldn’t want every trip to be like that in the advert? Singing bus driver, happy customers having the most wonderful singing and dancing time of their lives. That’s what we all strive for when it comes to the commute to work.

Except that it’s a complete load of old cack. Your drivers are miserable farts who most of the time can’t be arsed to even stop, and when they do they look at you as though you’re asking something outrageous. Your buses are litter-laden rejects from other cities and you can’t be arsed to even change the adverts. Whenever I want to get my plumbing sorted in Bristol, I’ll just call that handyman in Manchester to fix it shall I?

Don’t even get me started on your prices. Fortunately I can drive and have access to another nice friendly bus operator for the majority of the time. They have fantastic friendly drivers, their buses are clean and their prices are unbelievably much cheaper than yours. Plus they operate on exactly the same route. I get the earlier bus to avoid getting on yours and I’d quite happily pay them twice the amount that you charge just so that you can sod off.

Regards,

Evs
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« Reply #187 on: November 30, 2011, 16:03:29 »

Oh, and it would be rude for me not to post this recent letter I sent to everyone's favourite bus operator.

Quote
Dear First Bus,

Firstly I’d just like to say I love your TV advert, it’s so fresh and happy and really fills me with joy when I see it on the telly. What with all those annoying Iceland Christmas ads with that X Factor reject “partying like a celebrity”, give over.

Anyway, I digress. I mean, who wouldn’t want every trip to be like that in the advert? Singing bus driver, happy customers having the most wonderful singing and dancing time of their lives. That’s what we all strive for when it comes to the commute to work.

Except that it’s a complete load of old cack. Your drivers are miserable farts who most of the time can’t be arsed to even stop, and when they do they look at you as though you’re asking something outrageous. Your buses are litter-laden rejects from other cities and you can’t be arsed to even change the adverts. Whenever I want to get my plumbing sorted in Bristol, I’ll just call that handyman in Manchester to fix it shall I?

Don’t even get me started on your prices. Fortunately I can drive and have access to another nice friendly bus operator for the majority of the time. They have fantastic friendly drivers, their buses are clean and their prices are unbelievably much cheaper than yours. Plus they operate on exactly the same route. I get the earlier bus to avoid getting on yours and I’d quite happily pay them twice the amount that you charge just so that you can sod off.

Regards,

Evs

your letter writing skills are epic lolzer Smiley

but I do get the impression you spend alot of your time writing letters of complaint, and must be an avid fan of "points of view"  Tongue


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« Reply #188 on: November 30, 2011, 16:05:03 »

Oh, and it would be rude for me not to post this recent letter I sent to everyone's favourite bus operator.

Quote
Dear First Bus,

Firstly I’d just like to say I love your TV advert, it’s so fresh and happy and really fills me with joy when I see it on the telly. What with all those annoying Iceland Christmas ads with that X Factor reject “partying like a celebrity”, give over.

Anyway, I digress. I mean, who wouldn’t want every trip to be like that in the advert? Singing bus driver, happy customers having the most wonderful singing and dancing time of their lives. That’s what we all strive for when it comes to the commute to work.

Except that it’s a complete load of old cack. Your drivers are miserable farts who most of the time can’t be arsed to even stop, and when they do they look at you as though you’re asking something outrageous. Your buses are litter-laden rejects from other cities and you can’t be arsed to even change the adverts. Whenever I want to get my plumbing sorted in Bristol, I’ll just call that handyman in Manchester to fix it shall I?

Don’t even get me started on your prices. Fortunately I can drive and have access to another nice friendly bus operator for the majority of the time. They have fantastic friendly drivers, their buses are clean and their prices are unbelievably much cheaper than yours. Plus they operate on exactly the same route. I get the earlier bus to avoid getting on yours and I’d quite happily pay them twice the amount that you charge just so that you can sod off.

Regards,

Evs

 Laughing Laughing Laughing Two Thumbs
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« Reply #189 on: November 30, 2011, 16:08:22 »

I now have all the bits I needed after a few badgering phone calls and just got this gem back.

Quote
Dear Mr Evans,

Thank you for your email.

I am so sorry that you have found it necessary to complain to BT, I do understand why you were so frustrated.

I am pleased that the phones finally made their way to you without a Keith Chegwin, Danny Baker or Shane Richie style hunt, and I am truly sorry for the inconvenience you were caused. I will raise this with our team that liase with Parcel Force so that they can provide feedback on your behalf.

There has been an issue with the royal mail website, so I have been unable to track your parcel to ensure correct delivery, however your work address is showing on our system as the requested address and today the tracking number shows that your parcel has been delivered. If there has been any further problems with this please let me know and I will add it to our internal investigation.

I am also truly sorry that your partner had to use annual leave in order to wait for the much anticipated equipment, I can imagine she was very disappointed. It is always our aim to ensure customers are happy with their services and it is disappointing that we failed in this instance. For this reason I am happy to meet your request of a £56.00 credit if you are happy to accept this as final resolution to your complaint.

Please let me know in your response if your equipment was delivered as you expected, and if you are happy to accept the credit I have offered.

Thank you for contacting BT.

Yours sincerely,

Samantha Vickers

BT Resolution Team

Complaints Advisor

 Two Thumbs

To be fair to them that's a marginally better reply than you get from most customer complaint departments
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« Reply #190 on: November 30, 2011, 16:10:01 »

Haydeez, I've moved home three times in three years so you tend to have to deal with utility companies and stuff a fair bit. That's when the complaints start mounting up due to incompetence. Plus I just had to have a go at first, a three stop journey cost me £3.20 last night so I think that rant was justified.
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« Reply #191 on: November 30, 2011, 16:14:59 »

Haydeez, I've moved home three times in three years so you tend to have to deal with utility companies and stuff a fair bit. That's when the complaints start mounting up due to incompetence. Plus I just had to have a go at first, a three stop journey cost me £3.20 last night so I think that rant was justified.
Should've walked you lazy bastard.
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« Reply #192 on: November 30, 2011, 16:16:39 »

I'd like to see you walk down an unlit dual carriageway to collect your car from the garage mate
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« Reply #193 on: November 30, 2011, 17:10:17 »

Haydeez, I've moved home three times in three years so you tend to have to deal with utility companies and stuff a fair bit. That's when the complaints start mounting up due to incompetence. Plus I just had to have a go at first, a three stop journey cost me £3.20 last night so I think that rant was justified.

dont worry i completely condone your moaning, I complain about everything all the time, and if people's/companies faults are pointed out your just going to be pissed off all the time unless you stand up and say something!
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« Reply #194 on: November 30, 2011, 17:14:00 »

Damn straight, those crisis loans don't arrange themselves. LIGHTAH!
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« Reply #195 on: November 30, 2011, 17:48:39 »

I'd like to see you walk down an unlit dual carriageway to collect your car from the garage mate
I assume you're talking about the road to Hick's Gate?
I used to walk that way home after clubbing in town when I still lived in Saltford.  A shade over 1hr 30min was my best time.  Smashed
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« Reply #196 on: November 30, 2011, 18:49:18 »

I'd like to see you walk down an unlit dual carriageway to collect your car from the garage mate
I assume you're talking about the road to Hick's Gate?
I used to walk that way home after clubbing in town when I still lived in Saltford.  A shade over 1hr 30min was my best time.  Smashed

Yep, Hick's Gate to Co-Op roundabout matey.
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« Reply #197 on: December 01, 2011, 11:45:52 »

Not sure if this is a pea-roast, but I've been really enjoying the blog "letters to first great western" where some guy writes to the CEO of First every single time his train's delayed. It's genius. The blog's here http://letterstofgw.blogspot.com/ with a particularly good example of one of his letter's here http://letterstofgw.blogspot.com/2011/11/28-november-2011-letter-60.html
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« Reply #198 on: July 06, 2012, 15:05:29 »

Good afternoon,

I recently flew with Easyjet, and had a relatively pleasant experience overall. No real waiting times for the bag drop, and as we were on honeymoon the young lady at the desk gave us special assistance boarding which was very nice of her.

However, flying home from Barcelona to Bristol, we were rather famished, with the food and drink available at Barcelona airport rather bad for such a large place.

Imagine my delight when it was announced on the PA when on the plane that there was an assortment of hot snacks available. Please look through the Bistro brochure they said, and boy we did. A hot cheese and ham toastie, sounded divine! We waited patiently for the food cart to arrive, ordered our delicious snacks, when, the lady on the cart announced that they had sold out! They'd only gone along about 10 rows! How the hell can you run out of hot food?

So, despite my disappointment, I was going to eat, damn straight. So, I was given the choice of meat feast or cheddar and pickle. Well, meat feast was out of the question, so I went for the cheese and pickle sarnie. These are £4 on the menu, so I knew I was getting some gourmet grub.

Imagine my surprise when I opened the pack and was met with a sandwich comprising some thin stale bread, a small amount of cheese, even less pickle, and a laughable "leaf" which was about the size of a 2p coin. £4! I could have filled a hollowed out loaf with brie for that kind of money!

Anyway, as if this pitiful excuse for a "sandwich" was not enough, I had also decided to treat myself to one of your fine "Starbucks" coffees. Italian Roast, wow, I knew I was in for a treat having just returned from Italy, they know their coffee.
This was bound to be paradise.

In reality however, I was greeted with a lukewarm brew accompanied by one carton of UHT milk. The Baristas of the World will be quaking in their boots when they fly with Easyjet I tell you! I can cope with a lukewarm cup of coffee if it's as tasty as the menu points out. So, imagine the disappointment of having shelled out £2.50 for this drink when the flavour resembled a combination of TCP and mud. It really wasn't very pleasant.
 
I have no complaint about the pipe of paprika Pringles, nor the Twix that was bundled in on our "Meal Deal". The real deal clearly belonged to whoever managed to get this past the people in charge of approving the food and drink that you provide. The margins must be fucking huge. Boots do a meal deal that I genuinely think is worth the money. The food is miles better and less than half the price, you might want to find out who makes their grub.

How much did I have to shell out for this delightful banquet? In the region of £16.
 
I wonder how you sleep at night. Thanks for this delectable gastronomic ending to our honeymoon. I get that you are a budget airline and have to increase your profits in other areas, I really do. However, even though people have nowhere else to go when they are 30,000ft up in the air, you could at least try and provide us with something of a similar quality to Boots (a bloody pharmacy!) for, say, a fiver.

Kind Regards,

Evs
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« Reply #199 on: July 06, 2012, 15:08:18 »

I also have one that I sent to Carphone Warehouse but I'm too livid to post it yet. Let's just say it involves everyone's favourite courier, Yodel.  Cry
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« Reply #200 on: July 08, 2012, 10:51:04 »


'my overpriced food and drink was bad'


sorry but if you buy food & drink at a petrol station or on a train/plane, you must expect it to be terrible. scarcity power etc. Do you want me to draft a reply on easyjet's behalf?
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« Reply #201 on: July 08, 2012, 11:23:16 »

Already received a standard apology from Easyjet.

I think I was just in a bad mood after carphone warehouse so took it out on as many people as possible. Therapy you could say. It worked for me and Ive had a decent weekend.
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« Reply #202 on: July 09, 2012, 08:54:14 »

I won’t paste the rather boring text here but I recently had a two month long correspondence with Wessex Connect in order to get eight quid back off of them.

I also wrote a sensible complain to Showcase about the awful sound quality in their cinemas but they didn’t even bother to reply.
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« Reply #203 on: July 09, 2012, 09:51:47 »


I also wrote a sensible complain to Showcase about the awful sound quality in their cinemas but they didn’t even bother to reply.


ive found at cinemas its best to complain directly after the film to a person (managed). Ive complained about people in there being twats (which isnt directly their fault) but a long the lines of I couldnt enjoy the film because of their distraction. always given me a free tickets to come back (not specifically for the same film too).
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« Reply #204 on: July 09, 2012, 10:16:26 »

Do you want me to draft a reply on easyjet's behalf?

i would like this  Cheesy
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« Reply #205 on: July 09, 2012, 15:03:06 »

Do you want me to draft a reply on easyjet's behalf?

i would like this  Cheesy

hmm.. poacher turned gamekeeper
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« Reply #206 on: July 10, 2012, 11:50:14 »

Quote
I won’t paste the rather boring text here but I recently had a two month long correspondence with Wessex Connect in order to get eight quid back off of them.

any luck? persistance pays off  Two Thumbs
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« Reply #207 on: July 10, 2012, 12:11:18 »

Quote
I won’t paste the rather boring text here but I recently had a two month long correspondence with Wessex Connect in order to get eight quid back off of them.

any luck? persistance pays off  Two Thumbs

Ah, yes, that wasn't clear enough was it. It took two months of correspondence to get eight quid they owed me out of them but I did get it in the end.
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« Reply #208 on: June 25, 2013, 13:29:54 »

I do have a couple of letters that need writing. I have chilled out a bit following the events (lost motivation) but this has inspired me to not let the culprates get away with it.

To be continued!
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« Reply #209 on: June 26, 2013, 10:39:28 »

Quote from: Amazon UK
You can only return an item within 30 days. Please contact the manufacturer

Quote from: Plodocus
Dear Wacom,

I purchased the Intuos 5 touch medium from Amazon UK on 28th January 2013.
I want to return it to you for a full refund. I do not want to
troubleshoot it. I don't want it 'repaired'. I just want my money back.
I have tried every single one of your troubleshooting guides and read your
forums in detail. It just doesn't work properly. The touch function is
little more than an extremely annoying gimmick. Heaven forbid that a
left-hander would want to use your touch functionality without having to
reinstall the drivers EVERY TIME HE USES IT.

Now, out of nowhere, the cursor is stuck to the upper left corner of my
screen. I have run out of patience with trawling through the forums or
sub-standard support pages trying to fix it. Not only did it cost around
£300 in the first place, but on every occasion that I use the damn thing I
have to spend my own studio time trying to fix driver issues for a device
that was sold to me on the basis that it was HASSLE FREE.

That you would allow something to go on the market which clearly doesn't
work for half of your customers is a disgraceful way to run a business. I
literally haven't switched it on once without having some problem or
other. The worst part is that despite countless requests in the forums to
fix bugs you seem not to care. You have my money already, right? Well, I
want it back.

Please let me know how I can return my tablet and get a full refund. I am
not prepared to sell it on second hand to some other unsuspecting fool who
got sucked in with your promise of slick operation and ease of use.

Dave Clarke.

Quote from: Wacom Europe
Dear Mister Clarke.


I deeply am sorry to learn that and thank you for taking the trouble to explain the issue you experienced with your tablet.

In case you would like to get a money refund and give your intuos5 tablet back, we suggest to reach your reseller.

Wacom is not your reseller therefore we cannot run a money refund process for you.

Please forward your request to Amazon.

In case you want us to get assistance about the way to make this tablet work properly, or just fix this tablet, do not hesistate to come back yo us.

Have a pelasant day.

With Kind Regards,


Fabien Vidal

Wacom Technical Support

Quote from: Plodocus
Dear Amazon UK,

Please find unsatisfactory response from manufacturer below:

<same as the above>


Quote from: Amazon UK
I'm sorry to hear about the problem you've had with your 'Wacom Intuos5 Pen and Touch Medium Graphics Tablet'.

Please return the item to us and we'll refund you as soon as possible.


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« Reply #210 on: June 26, 2013, 11:59:29 »

This was rushed this morning via an online form but goes to show you don't need to be long winded in order to get a result.

Quote
Hi, I spent this morning sorting out all my recycling. The blue cardboard bag was so full that I had to place several broken down items of cardboard beneath it in a stack. The collector would have been able to see that I could not put any more in the bag, but they just left it. Should this really be happening?

Quote
Mr Evans

Thank you for using the web-site.

I apologise for the problem you have experienced with your recycling collection this week. As long as this is presented on the front edge of your property by 7am on your collection day this should have been cleared. This has now been logged and a vehicle will return to clear this for you as soon as possible.

Again, I apologise for any inconvenience this has caused.

Kind regards
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« Reply #211 on: June 26, 2013, 13:04:58 »

Quote from: Amazon UK
You can only return an item within 30 days. Please contact the manufacturer

Quote from: Plodocus
Dear Wacom,

I purchased the Intuos 5 touch medium from Amazon UK on 28th January 2013.
I want to return it to you for a full refund. I do not want to
troubleshoot it. I don't want it 'repaired'. I just want my money back.
I have tried every single one of your troubleshooting guides and read your
forums in detail. It just doesn't work properly. The touch function is
little more than an extremely annoying gimmick. Heaven forbid that a
left-hander would want to use your touch functionality without having to
reinstall the drivers EVERY TIME HE USES IT.

Now, out of nowhere, the cursor is stuck to the upper left corner of my
screen. I have run out of patience with trawling through the forums or
sub-standard support pages trying to fix it. Not only did it cost around
£300 in the first place, but on every occasion that I use the damn thing I
have to spend my own studio time trying to fix driver issues for a device
that was sold to me on the basis that it was HASSLE FREE.

That you would allow something to go on the market which clearly doesn't
work for half of your customers is a disgraceful way to run a business. I
literally haven't switched it on once without having some problem or
other. The worst part is that despite countless requests in the forums to
fix bugs you seem not to care. You have my money already, right? Well, I
want it back.

Please let me know how I can return my tablet and get a full refund. I am
not prepared to sell it on second hand to some other unsuspecting fool who
got sucked in with your promise of slick operation and ease of use.

Dave Clarke.

Quote from: Wacom Europe
Dear Mister Clarke.


I deeply am sorry to learn that and thank you for taking the trouble to explain the issue you experienced with your tablet.

In case you would like to get a money refund and give your intuos5 tablet back, we suggest to reach your reseller.

Wacom is not your reseller therefore we cannot run a money refund process for you.

Please forward your request to Amazon.

In case you want us to get assistance about the way to make this tablet work properly, or just fix this tablet, do not hesistate to come back yo us.

Have a pelasant day.

With Kind Regards,


Fabien Vidal

Wacom Technical Support

Quote from: Plodocus
Dear Amazon UK,

Please find unsatisfactory response from manufacturer below:

<same as the above>


Quote from: Amazon UK
I'm sorry to hear about the problem you've had with your 'Wacom Intuos5 Pen and Touch Medium Graphics Tablet'.

Please return the item to us and we'll refund you as soon as possible.



a little £35-40 wacom should be alright - but check for any issues with your os & hardware before you buy - if it's happening should be listed online - my intuos 1 stopped working when they updated the drivers - unless i reinstalled every time - but i sold it to someone with a newer pc/os and she was very happy with it - so i'm presuming it worked for her
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« Reply #212 on: June 27, 2013, 23:31:12 »

I'd like to see you walk down an unlit dual carriageway to collect your car from the garage mate

Well, we all have our own personal kinks.
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« Reply #213 on: June 27, 2013, 23:52:35 »

Do you want me to draft a reply on easyjet's behalf?

i would like this  Cheesy

hmm.. poacher turned gamekeeper

Dear Mr Evs,

I am so very genuinely sorry to hear of your relatively recent disappointment with the admittedly poor quality food & drink provided for some of the especially gullible passengers on our shambolic low budget trans alpine jamboree air flight back into UK from random european destinations. Do you think we are mugs? Because we certainly feel that way about you and your British ilk. for your own well-being I should like to advise you never to purchase food or drink at the following locations:

i) airports/on planes (e.g. Easyjet)
ii) motorway service stations (except the ones in Italy and sometimes France)
iii) supermarkets before 7.59pm
iv) late night take aways or curry houses that permit entry after 10.45pm

Were I feeling especially charitable I might also advise you to purchase one of our lottery/bingo cards on the flight. You have more chance of winning €250,000 than getting a decent sandwich and coffee, to be perfectly honest.

Should you wish to enjoy a relaxing low budget european-style break in the next few years, I would highly recommend you continue to fly Easyjet to a myriad of destinations which are all basically the same i.e. there is a beach and some fat women from south wales, bringing your own sandwiches and thermos if you're going to be fussy.


I would like to give you my very best regards. Unfortunately I am not able to do that in this instance. But have a good holiday next year, and be sure to let me know how it goes.

Yours in sun sea and sand.

Mr E. Jett. (no relation to that I love rock n roll woman)



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« Reply #214 on: June 28, 2013, 05:04:18 »

some dutch motorway services are alright too
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« Reply #215 on: April 15, 2014, 10:36:26 »

Was incorrectly given a parking ticket today - parking services will be wishing they had never been born after they read this.



Your ref: PCN Number IX-------A, 'Served' on 15/04/2014

Dear Parking Services Team,

This is just to notify you that I have been issued with a ticket for parking in a zone 2 space, when my parking permit was clearly displayed in the windscreen of my car (just next to tax disc). I have been out of town with work, so had not opened your correspondence of 09/04/14 which contained a new parking permit to replace my cancelled permit 1-------1, which was cancelled due to an administrative mistake at your office.
I have spoken to a member of the Parking Services Team on the phone today who assures me that said ticket will be quashed forthwith.

Many thanks for your help in this matter. It only remains for me to wish you the same happy motoring and parking experience that I enjoy every day on the highways and byways of our fair county town of Ipswich.

Yours sincerely,

Benjamin Isiah
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« Reply #216 on: April 16, 2014, 11:23:26 »

You need to up your game. I have dealt with a 6 page complaint this week; your two paragraphs don't come close.  Bad Teeth
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« Reply #217 on: April 16, 2014, 12:04:21 »

You need to up your game. I have dealt with a 6 page complaint this week; your two paragraphs don't come close.  Bad Teeth

Quality not quantity  Wink I am refining my complaining skills.
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« Reply #218 on: July 30, 2014, 12:37:10 »

FINAL BUMP FROM ME.
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« Reply #219 on: February 26, 2015, 20:59:20 »

Dear so-called 'RAC', Buenas Dias you fucking cunts.

R-I-P to the motorist rescue, recovery, support and repair service you used to be, your days are O-ver.

I am referring, lest there be any misunderstanding, to your extremely poor timekeeping and the sheer visceral hatred for you that has arisen in my otherwise charmed life. Last Thursday, my car having through every fault of my own run out of fuel, I rang your laughably-named 'helpline' with the not unrealistic aim of securing a quick visit from a masterful mechanical centurion, drawn from the finest legion of engineers your 'Fourth Emergency Service' has to offer. 'It's a good job the RAC always arrives so very promptly' I soothingly thought, as I telephoned my second appointment of the day to reassure them that, though thoroughly blighted and benighted by vehicular vicissitudes, I would be only slightly delayed for our important meeting. 'Be strong, saith my heart; I am a soldier; I have seen worse sights than this' ran my inner-monologue.

Imagine my surprise then, when instead of the timely and efficient response promised in your crap adverts on ITV4+1, I waited for 2 hours and 45 minutes for this 'knight in shining armour' (in this case a greasy wideboy in a polyester jumpsuit) to appear. 'Each man delights in the work that suits him best'... Well, not this one;

'Jump out that old motor, get in my flying saucer', he didn't say. Instead there ensued a dreary soliloquy about the importance of getting one's car serviced regularly, paying particular attention to the fuel lines and gauge. He said the fix is a shot of Jack. I said 'man what are you smoking?' - Not exactly Shakespeare is it?

At excruciating length, fuel was introduced to the parched heart of my 'wheels' - at which point your sluggard sloth of an employee had the foolish temerity to ask for money. Then, get ready, get set, get on your runway jet, I was on my 'merry' way, only 3 hours late for work. Young and free, and London, 'G'.

Might I be afforded the considerable privilege of being the 4000th person (this week) to recommend that you offer a realistic estimate of your arrival time at a mechanical emergency such as this one? In the time that I waited for your oil-caked indolent crouton of a mechanic to arrive, I could have walked back and forth to the nearest petrol station at least 8 times. 'Sometime in the next 45 minutes' now strikes me as a wildly optimistic estimate; "sometime in the next 45 years' might have been more accurate. Men are so quick to blame the gods. Well I don't, I blame you, you bunch of muppets. By hook or by crook this peril too shall be something that I remember. Has the world changed, or have I changed?

There will be killing till the score is paid. Contempt was all you had for the gods who rule wide heaven, contempt for what men say of you hereafter. Your last hour has come. You die in blood.

I am joining the AA.

Yours in Combat,

Benjamin Isiah Van Damme Ultron Green Flag.
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« Reply #220 on: February 27, 2015, 09:40:14 »

 Laugh
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« Reply #221 on: March 03, 2015, 11:50:28 »

YES!
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« Reply #222 on: July 30, 2017, 22:11:40 »

Hello, I actually had to write a genuine letter of complaint this week, to Easyjet. Apologies if this one is not funny, but all those years of practice seem to have paid off as they have offered to refund me my £90.00, and I received a series of profuse apologies over the electric telephone from a worried sounding Scotsman.   Two Thumbs  NERD ALERT! Wink


_____________________________________________________________

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing to notify you of the inappropriate and unprofessional conduct of a member of your Stansted Airport team on 23/7/17 while waiting for the delayed flight **** to Nice. I have flown with Easyjet many times in the past and have never encountered this type of situation. As with any service I pay for, I would expect 'reasonable care and skill' from the seller, and this would obviously include the conduct of the client-facing staff.

According to her name tag the person in question is called '************'. No surname was given.

Aspects of her behaviour, listed in detail below, succeeded in making a number of your customers very upset and angry, and led to a number of verbal altercations.

Part of my profession involves working with emotionally and behaviourally challenged people; I am often obliged to remain calm and not allow individuals' actions to affect my judgement or demeanour, however inappropriate or offensive that behaviour may be.

However, after this interaction with your staff member both myself and my partner were absolutely furious due to the offensive, aggressive and patronising way in which we were treated, and the pathetic unprofessional conduct on display.

This is by far the worst customer service I have ever experienced. We will never use EasyJet or any of your other services again. We often travel to the south of France to visit family and friends, therefore you have lost two regular passengers, as we will now use other airlines and airports.

In my recollection of this fractious experience, ************'s actions included:

i) Shouting at the queue - regardless of whether staff are pressed for time, this is simply unacceptable. Why not use the tannoy system?

ii) From the outset ************ appeared to be looking for confrontation. The young girl queueing behind us commented that her behaviour was 'really aggressive'. At this point we had not spoken directly to her, but found this conduct unpleasant and unnecessary.

iii) There was a discussion between many passengers and members of your staff about hold luggage and hand luggage. A number of passengers, including ourselves, were unaware of your current policy, and were unimpressed, especially as putting luggage in the hold would cause further delays at the other end of a flight that was already an hour and a half late. We were lucky to be able - just - to catch the last bus to our hotel at Nice airport. Several passengers had bought items in duty free that they could not fit in their suitcases, meaning they had to pay a £45 per person charge, which was not clearly outlined in your terms and conditions, appearing instead in small print.

This is a practice that has already had a very negative impact on the reputation of low cost airlines.

We 'paid under protest' a fee of £90.00, and verbally notified your staff at Stansted that we were 'paying under protest'.

************ helpfully pointed out to passengers that we 'should have printed out the ticket' if we wanted more information on terms and conditions.

Incidentally, it was noteworthy that the Easyjet staff at Nice Airport on our return flight did not attempt to enforce this practice; indeed no mention at all was made of it. I can only assume French consumer law is stricter on these matters, and quite rightly so.

iv) ************ tried to show my partner the terms and conditions regarding hand luggage in Italian, which would not have been a problem except that this was done in a patronising and condescending manner.

v) ************ then accused us of trying to put our belongings in other people's luggage, which was not only a rather bizarre and incorrect accusation - why would I put my valuables in a complete stranger's suitcase? - but was again delivered in a rude and aggressive way.

vi) Throughout these discussions ************ was asked not to raise her voice on several occasions. ************ did not succeed in meeting this polite request.

vii) ************ should be made aware that in customer service roles it is polite to refer to clients by their names, or as 'Sir' or 'Madam', rather than saying things such as 'you and you, come here'.

viii) ************ made smug, sarcastic comments about my partner's financial status as she had changed a lot of her money into Euros, and was therefore not in a position at that moment to pay the supplementary luggage charge.

ix) ************ made several other snide comments during these discussions which included an assortment of backchat, and shouting 'HAVE A LOVELY HOLIDAY' at us as we left to board, as well as 'REMEMBER YOU ARE ON CAMERA' the implication being, I presume, that we would attempt some act of vandalism on our way to the plane. This may be something that other passengers have done in the past, especially if they had received similar treatment, but it is not something I would consider, and I find such an insinuation extremely offensive.

I strongly suggest you send ************ on an extensive and thorough customer service training course, or find a non client-facing role for her, as she currently appears incapable of interacting with passengers in a civil manner, and as mentioned above seemed to be actively looking for confrontation. I suspect that this is not the first time she has behaved in this way.

Furthermore, you may wish to consider social media's impact on your company's reputation, and the work of consumer rights organisations such as 'Which', consumer affairs pages in the UK press and the Radio 4 'You and Yours' programme, who already take a keen interest in Easyjet's practices.

I understand that the UK's Brexit vote may significantly impact on your business - in this climate you really ought to be avoiding bad publicity via incidents such as this one. This morning I read with interest - but not surprise - the news of a passenger at Nice airport being punched in the face by an Easyjet contractor.

Perhaps Easyjet needs to take a look at its recruitment policy, and ensure that all staff receive training on what professional conduct in the service industry should and should not look like.

Yours faithfully,

etc etc


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« Reply #223 on: July 31, 2017, 11:36:23 »

YES
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« Reply #224 on: August 02, 2017, 16:06:24 »

Top stuff Top Cat.
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