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letter of complaint

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« Reply #100 on: June 24, 2008, 00:16:48 »

Dear, dear Bristol City Council Parking Services,

Please feel free to sit yourselves down with a nice cup of tea and a few of the "taxpayer's cakes" that you seem to like to dot around your office. You may be here some time: I have a Pleiosaur's worth of bones to pick with you. Stand fast, Titinius! : we must out and talk.

Let us start at the beginning, with the root cause of my grievance, namely the atrocious public transport system in our fair city; shocking, appalling services run by rapacious private firms such as First, who must surely be investing some of their obscene profits into buying more cakes, biscuits and prostitutes for you flatulent apathetic croutons. Why else do you renew their contract every year?

"Fair enough" I thought to myself, and in a not uninspired move, divested myself of bus pass and invested in a bicycle with the intention of an environmentally amicable rapprochement between A and B in my daily commute, and latterly - oh what decadence! - a small car, to reach my workplace in North Somerset, where I travel but once a week.

Now I find to my displeasure that you are commencing stage 2 of your Kursk-esque pincer movement; a vendetta not against the motorist per se, but, it would seem, against anyone who has any need to travel any distance, anywhere, for anything at all, in the guise of a Parking Permit! I am all in favour of reducing traffic congestion in Bristol, so that your Merchant Venturer paymasters can Boris around the city in their Mercedes knocking over cyclists and pensioners, unencumbered by proles and plebs in ford fiestas, but I find the idea of paying for permission to park outside my own home entirely perverse. Furthermore, I am utterly sick of your neo-colonial style reductions of city centre parking under the aegis of "environmental issues" when in fact your apparatchiks aim to trouser my hard-earned sovereigns and then spend them on donuts. I will destroy you.

I feel strongly that transport racists such as your goat-bearded selves should be concentrating your recent surplus of - no doubt high blood sugar related - zeal on improving our utterly pathetic excuse for a bus service instead of punishing motorists for having the temerity to live in the city in which they pay council tax. Why not punish instead the commuter from the suburbs? Could it be a question of wealth and influence? Surely not.

Shame on you vile cowards.

Ride, ride, Messala, ride, and give these bills

Unto the legions on the other side.

Yours in cakes

Benjamin Isiah Van Nistelrooy.
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« Reply #101 on: June 24, 2008, 01:27:31 »

 Laughing Top form.
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« Reply #102 on: June 24, 2008, 06:59:37 »

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« Reply #103 on: June 24, 2008, 07:11:06 »

That is absolute fried gold.
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« Reply #104 on: June 24, 2008, 09:01:41 »

Nice work Ben, let us know the reply...
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« Reply #105 on: June 24, 2008, 10:47:08 »

'Boris' makes such a good verb.

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« Reply #106 on: June 24, 2008, 11:47:25 »

Dear Pork Farms,

I would just like to bring the following matter to your attention: your King Size Cheese & Onion Roll is quite possibly the blandest thing I've ever put in my mouth. And I've eaten a flour sandwich with no marge.

Pop down to the shops to purchase one yourself, if you'll indulge me, and I'm sure you'll find yourself sharing my £1.35-robbing experience. An experience which - flavour-wise - was akin to eating a sock containing a thin layer of loft insulation.

The texture of the filling also provoked a small amount of fear and confusion, resembling as it did the texture or powdery marzipan, coupled with the orangey glower of some menacing form of alien mind-putty. (Possibly.)

If this pastry tube of disappointment was the result of a manufacturing error, you may wish to check that the machine you use to make them has the 'FLAVOUR' knob set to the 'On' position.

If, on the other hand, something went awry at the Research & Development stage, I suggest you locate the rogue beige member of your taste-testing team (they will presumably be wearing a brown jumper and listening to Neil Young), and gently sack him/her for their crimes against exciting taste.

I seek no recompense, only to bring this terrifying lapse in quality to your attention, and hopefully to save future generations of fellow pasty fiends from dying of boredom with a mouthful of lunch.

Warmest regards,

Dan Muteki
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« Reply #107 on: June 24, 2008, 12:27:45 »

so freaking awesome, I had to log in to reply to it to say that it was so freaking awesome that i had to log in to reply to it to say that!
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« Reply #108 on: June 24, 2008, 13:34:10 »

 Laughing
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« Reply #109 on: June 24, 2008, 13:44:02 »

so freaking awesome, I had to log in to reply to it to say that it was so freaking awesome that i had to log in to reply to it to say that!

goodness me, I am honoured!
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« Reply #110 on: June 24, 2008, 14:02:43 »

BRAVO!!

An excellent addition to the bile filled mail they recieve by the dumper-load.

The Pork Farms one is also good.  Two Thumbs
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« Reply #111 on: June 24, 2008, 14:56:13 »

Ben! that is amazing!
strong work!
now if we could all follow suit and badger these bastards into giving up on their stupid scheme!

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« Reply #112 on: June 24, 2008, 14:58:23 »

there was a farmer who muck spread his local bank when they annoyed him...
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« Reply #113 on: June 24, 2008, 15:11:53 »

there was a farmer who muck spread his local bank when they annoyed him...



Tthis bloke?

He flung 18 tonnes of cow shit at a Natwest branch in Newcastle ... one way of venting I suppose
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« Reply #114 on: June 24, 2008, 15:13:31 »

This thread has something like 5 or 6 complaint letter written by the good Ben. Thats 5 or 6 more than I've ever managed to find time to write. In a lot of these letters Ben alludes to the fact that he has very little spare time, and he does not appreciate it being swallowed up by delayed public transport and other time-related grievances. My question, therefore, is where does such a busy man find the time to write so many very eloquent letters of complaint?
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« Reply #115 on: June 24, 2008, 15:13:58 »

I quite like this guys style ...

Quote
In 1995 Michael Howerd was charged £20 for a £10 overdraft on his bank account at Yorkshire Bank's Horsforth branch. The 30-year-old marketing consultant changed his name by deed poll to "Yorkshire Bank plc are Fascist Bastards", the name the bank had to use on a cheque repaying the residue of his account.
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« Reply #116 on: June 24, 2008, 15:16:10 »

 Laughing
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« Reply #117 on: June 24, 2008, 15:17:55 »

This thread has something like 5 or 6 complaint letter written by the good Ben. Thats 5 or 6 more than I've ever managed to find time to write. In a lot of these letters Ben alludes to the fact that he has very little spare time, and he does not appreciate it being swallowed up by delayed public transport and other time-related grievances. My question, therefore, is where does such a busy man find the time to write so many very eloquent letters of complaint?

On public transport, gotta love the blackberry  Two Thumbs
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« Reply #118 on: June 24, 2008, 15:18:08 »

I quite like this guys style ...

Quote
In 1995 Michael Howerd was charged £20 for a £10 overdraft on his bank account at Yorkshire Bank's Horsforth branch. The 30-year-old marketing consultant changed his name by deed poll to "Yorkshire Bank plc are Fascist Bastards", the name the bank had to use on a cheque repaying the residue of his account.

Thats a bit much, no? All for the sake of protesting at a bank, this man has let himself in for:

"Do you, Mary, take Yorkshire Bank Plc Are Fascist Bastards Howerd to be your lawfully wedded husband?"
"FUCKING HELL, is that your full name?!"
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« Reply #119 on: June 24, 2008, 15:19:01 »

This thread has something like 5 or 6 complaint letter written by the good Ben. Thats 5 or 6 more than I've ever managed to find time to write. In a lot of these letters Ben alludes to the fact that he has very little spare time, and he does not appreciate it being swallowed up by delayed public transport and other time-related grievances. My question, therefore, is where does such a busy man find the time to write so many very eloquent letters of complaint?

On public transport, gotta love the blackberry  Two Thumbs

Well aren't you just the regular man about town.  Bad Teeth
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« Reply #120 on: June 24, 2008, 15:21:19 »

"Do you, Mary, take Yorkshire Bank Plc Are Fascist Bastards Howerd to be your lawfully wedded husband?"
"FUCKING HELL, is that your full name?!"
his friends call him yorky though Wink
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« Reply #121 on: July 24, 2008, 10:29:09 »

Giles Coren vs The Times Sub Editors in a lovely example of the literary letter of complaint:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/media/2008/jul/23/mediamonkey

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« Reply #122 on: January 28, 2009, 00:14:35 »

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/blog/editors_corner/article/11975/

This tickled me earlier.  Pimp
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« Reply #123 on: January 28, 2009, 08:51:45 »


That's brilliant. I particularly love the way he keeps addressing Richard
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« Reply #124 on: January 28, 2009, 09:09:05 »

flatulent apathetic croutons

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« Reply #125 on: January 28, 2009, 09:17:56 »

Quote
That cheese looked a lot like your baaji-mustard

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« Reply #126 on: January 28, 2009, 10:11:59 »


Quote
I'll try and explain how this felt. Imagine being a twelve year old boy Richard. Now imagine it's Christmas morning and you're sat their with your final present to open. It's a big one, and you know what it is. It's that Goodmans stereo you picked out the catalogue and wrote to Santa about.

Only you open the present and it's not in there. It's your hamster Richard. It's your hamster in the box and it's not breathing. That's how I felt when I peeled back the foil and saw this:

 Laughing Laughing Laughing
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« Reply #127 on: January 28, 2009, 10:18:10 »


 Laughing
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« Reply #128 on: January 28, 2009, 10:41:59 »


 Laughing brilliant!
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« Reply #129 on: January 28, 2009, 11:25:37 »

'passed the potatoes through the digestive tract of a bird'
and

'back street cookie'


mega LOL

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« Reply #130 on: January 28, 2009, 12:19:04 »


Quote
I'll try and explain how this felt. Imagine being a twelve year old boy Richard. Now imagine it's Christmas morning and you're sat their with your final present to open. It's a big one, and you know what it is. It's that Goodmans stereo you picked out the catalogue and wrote to Santa about.

Only you open the present and it's not in there. It's your hamster Richard. It's your hamster in the box and it's not breathing. That's how I felt when I peeled back the foil and saw this:

 Laughing Laughing Laughing

That man is ace Laughing
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« Reply #131 on: January 30, 2009, 09:05:10 »

Apparently "that man" is a figment of a PR's imagination:

Quote
Remember that Virgin Atlantic complaint email that did the rounds last week? Turns out it was a (SHOCK!) PR stunt dreamt up by WCRS designed to get Virgin in the news. Bummer.

http://www.holymoly.com/page/RandomDetail/0,,12643~1537988,00.html
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« Reply #132 on: January 30, 2009, 09:09:17 »

It got Virgin in the news, but how is that good PR? The only thing I can think of is that Branson supposedly then invited "the man" to visit their catering outfit and suggest improvements to be made to the menu...airline food is absolute gash regardless.

Oh and the dissing of the crap screens on the back of the seats, that doesn't make any PR sense at all... Smashed
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« Reply #133 on: January 30, 2009, 10:40:17 »

It got Virgin in the news, but how is that good PR? The only thing I can think of is that Branson supposedly then invited "the man" to visit their catering outfit and suggest improvements to be made to the menu...airline food is absolute gash regardless.

Oh and the dissing of the crap screens on the back of the seats, that doesn't make any PR sense at all... Smashed

 Script it's a crazy world, especially in marketing, so I guess it could be true - but it seems unlikely to me
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« Reply #134 on: February 01, 2009, 19:41:14 »

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« Reply #135 on: February 20, 2009, 15:45:59 »

This is a real reply from the Inland Revenue.

The Guardian newspaper had to ask for special permission to print it


Dear Mr Addison,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to
our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise.

I will address them, as ever, in order.

Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging
letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This
is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy,
traditionally referred to such documents. Secondly, your frustration at our
adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited
daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst
I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would
cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate
banking houses and pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision
to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little
ill-advised. In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the
senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin" or, come to that,
a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain,
with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in
your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted,
toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary
calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way
expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates
you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation,
whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem
to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing
whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for
example, "that box-ticking façade of a university system."

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries

1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins"on the envelope has to do with
the vagaries of the postal system;

2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrow of those with nothing
else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the
Personal allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics
involved would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish
to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that
even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in
India" you would still owe us the money.

Please send it to us by Friday.

Yours sincerely,

H J Lee

Customer Relations
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« Reply #136 on: February 20, 2009, 15:52:58 »

an old friend of mine works as a baliff now... he says that his company sometimes have to chase overseas debts but in reality all they can do is send letters saying "can we have the money please"
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« Reply #137 on: February 20, 2009, 15:55:36 »

^^

Very good. I bet that's the day CS reps live for - when their boss gives them the go-ahead to send letters like that.
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« Reply #138 on: February 20, 2009, 15:59:34 »

i love replying to arsey customers who've been a prick to me, especially when i get to inform them their account with us has been stopped.
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« Reply #139 on: February 20, 2009, 16:03:28 »

i found your email manner at chemical very much more free form than on here, as if i had unexpectedly roused you from your sleepytime to ask a question Wink
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« Reply #140 on: February 20, 2009, 16:07:27 »

i found your email manner at chemical very much more free form than on here, as if i had unexpectedly roused you from your sleepytime to ask a question Wink

it depends on how manic my days are....but i must admit that since taking on the equipment returns after Cheeba left works been pretty manic for me
i get a lot less time for chit chat and am constantly multi tasking. i do ten hour days once or twice a week just to keep ontop of the work load
so yes, i suppose sometimes i can appear a little more abrupt than i intend to

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« Reply #141 on: February 20, 2009, 16:08:46 »

i found your email manner at chemical very much more free form than on here, as if i had unexpectedly roused you from your sleepytime to ask a question Wink

it depends on how manic my days are....but i must admit that since taking on the equipment returns after Cheeba left works been pretty manic for me
i get a lot less time for chit chat and am constantly multi tasking. i do ten hour days once or twice a week just to keep ontop of the work load
so yes, i suppose sometimes i can appear a little more abrupt than i intend to

*violin orchestra plays in the background*

Maybe if you strip the orchestra down to a quartet you can have second and third violin, second and third viola and second cello give you a hand with your work?
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« Reply #142 on: February 20, 2009, 16:16:55 »

i found your email manner at chemical very much more free form than on here, as if i had unexpectedly roused you from your sleepytime to ask a question Wink

it depends on how manic my days are....but i must admit that since taking on the equipment returns after Cheeba left works been pretty manic for me
i get a lot less time for chit chat and am constantly multi tasking. i do ten hour days once or twice a week just to keep ontop of the work load
so yes, i suppose sometimes i can appear a little more abrupt than i intend to

*violin orchestra plays in the background*
no nooo, i more got a picture in my mind of you bleary eyed, confused and wondering what was going on Wink are you still working 6 day weeks? can they not hire a naive 18 year old boy glamourous assistant for you?
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« Reply #143 on: February 20, 2009, 16:25:55 »

i found your email manner at chemical very much more free form than on here, as if i had unexpectedly roused you from your sleepytime to ask a question Wink

it depends on how manic my days are....but i must admit that since taking on the equipment returns after Cheeba left works been pretty manic for me
i get a lot less time for chit chat and am constantly multi tasking. i do ten hour days once or twice a week just to keep ontop of the work load
so yes, i suppose sometimes i can appear a little more abrupt than i intend to

*violin orchestra plays in the background*

Maybe if you strip the orchestra down to a quartet you can have second and third violin, second and third viola and second cello give you a hand with your work?

But maybe she'd end up second fiddle to someone else...
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« Reply #144 on: February 20, 2009, 16:37:02 »

i found your email manner at chemical very much more free form than on here, as if i had unexpectedly roused you from your sleepytime to ask a question Wink

it depends on how manic my days are....but i must admit that since taking on the equipment returns after Cheeba left works been pretty manic for me
i get a lot less time for chit chat and am constantly multi tasking. i do ten hour days once or twice a week just to keep ontop of the work load
so yes, i suppose sometimes i can appear a little more abrupt than i intend to

*violin orchestra plays in the background*

Maybe if you strip the orchestra down to a quartet you can have second and third violin, second and third viola and second cello give you a hand with your work?

But maybe she'd end up second fiddle to someone else...

ba-dum! TISCH! *applause*
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« Reply #145 on: February 20, 2009, 19:57:45 »

i found your email manner at chemical very much more free form than on here, as if i had unexpectedly roused you from your sleepytime to ask a question Wink

it depends on how manic my days are....but i must admit that since taking on the equipment returns after Cheeba left works been pretty manic for me
i get a lot less time for chit chat and am constantly multi tasking. i do ten hour days once or twice a week just to keep ontop of the work load
so yes, i suppose sometimes i can appear a little more abrupt than i intend to

*violin orchestra plays in the background*

Maybe if you strip the orchestra down to a quartet you can have second and third violin, second and third viola and second cello give you a hand with your work?

But maybe she'd end up second fiddle to someone else...

LOL!! very good!! haha

no nooo, i more got a picture in my mind of you bleary eyed, confused and wondering what was going on Wink are you still working 6 day weeks? can they not hire a naive 18 year old boy glamourous assistant for you?
oh, i thought you meant i was grumpy.....which is always likely!!
it's all good, i like my job!! and i never do six day weeks, unless i owe them a day for some reason!
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« Reply #146 on: February 20, 2009, 20:04:01 »

oh ok i must have got the wrong end of the stick... thought you said something about not having a day off apart from sunday all year or something
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« Reply #147 on: February 21, 2009, 11:54:31 »

To all the good people at British Gas boiler services;

Bonjour motherfuckers,

Would you be so kind as to extricate your excessively large posteriors from your comfy office chairs, and come and fix my boiler? In the coldest month of the year, to live without central heating is not any sentient individual's idea of what consitutes fun. I realise that there is tea to be imbibed and day old copies of the Metro and The Beano to be perused, but as your star customer my needs come first, I must inform you.

What I dream of in Brown's Britain of 2009, is an engineer who has it within his limited mental capacities to speedily deliver himself in the direction of my "yard" in order to repair, for the third time this year, my consumptive incapacitated boiler. I would like this engineer to arrive - get this - on time, at a pre-appointed hour - none of this between 11 and 6 fuckery - and complete said task with speed and efficiency, and in such a way that it does not break down again. Is this really such a big ask of persons such as yourselves for whom boiler repair and maintenance is in fact a full time profession?

If this is not possible then unfortunately it will become necessary for me to kill you.

I look forward to your reply,

yours in anger

Benjamin Isiah Van Diesel
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« Reply #148 on: February 21, 2009, 11:56:20 »

 Laughing
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« Reply #149 on: February 21, 2009, 14:19:21 »

 Slayer

go ben!!
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For mixes and blurb on me ch-ch-check out;
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SOUNDCLOUD
DRAMA

Drama have got after parties in Bristol locked down, proper job!

the pet-whisperer of Hijack

FAO Hijackers with pets, check out: The Mutty Professor
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